Days off have been great. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve been off today and yesterday. It felt so good to sleep in my own bed last night and wake up alone. I did my laundry today, ran to the bank, got cigarettes and took an incredible 2 hour nap. I dreamed about visiting my friend in AZ and got a virus on my phone so I was fucking with my phone the entire time I was there, I woke up incredibly annoyed with myself lol

I’ve realized some things about myself. I really don’t want a relationship. I honestly think that I’ve just been single for too long and extremely set in my ways. It annoys the shit out of me to sleep at other people’s houses, especially when I can’t control the temperature of the room and someone having their dog sleeping in bed with us. I was just so fucking uncomfortable. I didn’t get anywhere near the amount of sleep I need Friday night so I went to work hella tired on Saturday and didn’t get a shower to boot so I felt super gross and then I went over there after work on Saturday for him to start in about how we weren’t going to have sex due to his religious beliefs. I’m still super annoyed that he knew I was fucking tired and wouldn’t just let me pass out!!! I had to drive home after taking my Tylenol PM which is scary as fuck but at least I got to wake up alone without some dogs legs in my face and sides!

I am just getting too old for this whole dating thing. I also don’t need a man because I pay all my own bills and am quite self-sufficient. It would be nice to have someone to share my life with and everything but I feel like relationships just take so much work, too much work and most of the time they don’t work out anyway. I just don’t want to waste my time.

Honestly, once he said that he didn’t want to have sex until he was married, I was relieved. I already knew that I was annoyed with him, didn’t feel like we had enough in common to be in a relationship and once he said that, I felt so glad that we decided not to date anymore. I just can’t go from single to a relationship overnight. I also want someone who likes to party sometimes, drink, and just enjoy life. Not someone who doesn’t do these things before they live by the book. I just feel like i work hard so when I get the chance, I’m going to play hard. I’m not going to hold back for any reason.

Another thing is that I feel like I’ve always made sacrifices in relationships but I’m not willing to sacrifice sex. I feel like someone asking me of that is absolutely crazy. Relationships are hard as it is and then when you can’t even have sex then I don’t see the fucking point in trying at all. I honestly don’t think that Dan was as into me as he led me to believe, but picked me thinking I’d go along with this crazy cartoon. There’s no way in hell I could be in a sexless relationship without cheating. I have to feel that connection with someone and if it’s not there, I’d get bored and restless. I would never feel like we were even in a relationship.

It would be nice to have more friends and people I could talk to on a deep level about how I feel about things. I just wish I could get into counseling to figure out what I’m supposed to do. I know that I do want to be with someone but I feel like I get bored really quickly and don’t want to feel restricted. I still want to be able to party and live the same life now, just have someone to be there for me that doesn’t want too much too soon. I want someone that understands all of this and can give me the space I need.

I’d get super annoyed with Dan because he’d always bug me for shit. I’m not sure if I wrote about this before but the other night he brought me over here to get my shit so I could shower at his house and he waits until I come back out to his truck to ask me to find him a work shirt. I had to come back inside and find him one. I should have said no but I didn’t want him to see how much of a bitch I could be this early on. If it would have been anyone else, I definitely would have. I also got annoyed with him bugging me to bring food home from work. I can’t stand our food because I’ve been around it for almost 2 fucking years and then having someone bug me like 4 different times in 1 phone call to make sure I bring some honestly made me furious. I felt like he was more worried about me bringing food then actually hanging out with me!!!

I could already see severe red flags but didn’t wanna break it off until there was a really big sign for me to so when the sex thing came up, I was so fucking happy because the guy already annoyed the fuck out of me. Honestly, I get really annoyed with people super quick and that’s why it’s a good thing for me to live by myself. I do like having my own space and not having to interact with people unless I choose to or I’m at work. People annoy me.

I’m just glad that things ended this soon so there’s no hard feelings due to us still having to work together. I’m grateful that things came to light this early so we aren’t wasting each others time. I couldn’t see myself in a relationship with him for a lot of reasons, especially when people at work aren’t too fond of him. A lot of him think he’s weird and I’ve had a couple of people tell me he looks like Shrek. I know he’s not the greatest looking guy but I liked him because he’s so nice to me and treated me half decent, except for the bugging.

I’m 30 now and I’m just starting to realize so much about myself. I like who I’ve turned into and I liked that I’ve kept a job for so long but as far as relationships go, I honestly am just as fucking clueless now as I was 10 years ago. I really don’t know what I want. I thought I did but as it turns out, I’m really just not sure anymore. I don’t know how people fucking stand each other. I don’t get married life at all. I think it would be super boring and pointless. I just can’t see myself waking up with the same person every damn day, putting up with their shit and having to worry about what they are doing.

I used to think it’s what I wanted but every time I start hanging out with someone, I’m ok with it for awhile but then I’m always glad when it comes to an end. I just can’t see myself with the same person for too long because people get on my nerves and men are just extremely selfish. Dan threw a fit the other night when I told him I had to stay a bit later at work because he had like cooked us dinner but it’s like I have to make sure I get all my hours or I’m not gonna make rent. I get that he went to the trouble to cook but I was annoyed that he got as mad as he did. I remember then started to question things. We went to Taco Bell the other night and I paid for my own food. After that I brought food when I got off work. I think he was really against spending any money on us to eat and that made me really uncomfortable. Even on Saturday, all he had was leftover spaghetti and I didn’t want it so I didn’t eat anything all day until I finally left his house to get gas and got a cookie from the fucking gas station. If you can’t afford to feed a house guest then you should rethink asking someone to be your girlfriend.

I also didn’t wanna eat anything he cooked because he didn’t keep his house clean and I’ve seen the way he does dishes at work. His bathroom was also disgusting. He even mentioned how my feet were gonna get dirty when I stepped out of the shower so I put down my work shirt so I didn’t get nasty shit all over my feet. Like people are fucking gross. I get he’s a bachelor but living that gross is a raise for concern. I also got annoyed that he drank Rockstars, chewed and ate fast food like it was nothing but talked about losing weight?!?!? Like okay, good luck with that.

Anyways, the only bills I paid this week was my car insurance and my student loans. I only made about $140 in tips and still needed food and gas everyday. I really hope this week is going to get better because I am constantly worried about bills and if I’m going to make it. I didn’t even make a car payment which isn’t a huge deal because I’m paid up for a month but I hate not making one, even if it’s just $50.

I’d really like to find a babysitting gig for during the day because I have to find a way to get caught up on everything. I’m glad we get paid on Friday but I probably won’t have anything left because I have to pay my cable bill, pay on my light bill, pay for an oil change and my credit card bill. I’m really hoping I can get at least some paid on each thing so I can have some left when we get paid. I’m so tired of worrying about money. I haven’t had to in so long and it’s becoming a serious frustration at this point. I really don’t want to work 2 jobs but if things don’t pick up, I’m going to have to for awhile.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I like my job but I’m just not making enough money so I’m wondering if this is my sign to start looking for better. I know that I’m not ready to leave but I have to figure something else out. At least start off with something part time and if it’s better or could turn into something full time that I could actually stand then I’m gonna go for it. I’m not going to stay at this fucking place forever anyway and because I don’t make shit, it gives me a lot of incentive to start looking for something else. Seriously, I know I can’t do this shit forever.

It’s just hard because I like what I do, I’m comfortable and don’t want to get to know a bunch of new people somewhere else. I like that I can just be me and no one thinks I’m crazy or weird. I like that I can swear and just be real. I’m glad that Summer is coming to an end because I’m really sick of being hot all the time and working in a place that doesn’t have AC.

Anyways, I’m gonna smoke and start getting ready for bed. More tomorrow.