Unsettled Rambles in Days of My Destiny

I am exhausted today. I didn't have the best sleep and I didn't get a rest today as Little L didn't sleep. I also ate chocolate mud cake (plenty of) earlier today which clearly affected my mood because this afternoon I was cranky as all hell.

I'm trying to de-clutter this house, it seems impossible and feels hopeless. Everywhere you look there's crap! How is it that I de-clutter every 6 or so months and yet it never feels like it's enough? I went through the toy section today, something I hadn't done for quite some time and I was RUTHLESS this time. Over the years I have slowly got rid of a book from grandma here or there, but by now it's just like..... I want none of them in my house. They're all crap that I don't agree with anyway. But of course I'm keeping a couple that have been with us from the early days. The problem is, it's not as simple as giving them away to a second-hand shop, because she LOVES second-hand shops and has visited every single one in this region more than once already. It's something she loves doing when she comes here - to check out the op shops. Thank goodness it's near Christmas and I can quietly wrap the near-new ones up and give them to charity. Because seriously........................... enough is enough.

Anyhow. I've downloaded an app onto my phone, t's called "GratitudeDiary". It's just a place where you can bullet point the things you are grateful for in your day.

Yesterday's things I was grateful for:

Lucy's singing Silence Girls being helpful by washing themselves and getting out of the bath completely on their own Independence Chicken hug (one of the more docile chickens rested its head on my shoulder for a good half-minute. It was pretty damn beautiful!)

Today a cow from the paddocks slipped into our yard. Our dog went nuts and I was going to leave the cow, but then when I got back from picking M up from the bus stop, I saw it had quite happily made itself at home in the chook pen, lmao. It was just laying down, looking around. There were some other cows on the other side of the chook pen (in the paddocks) laying down right near it. It was almost as if this lone cow had tried to find its way back to the others and ended up in the chook pen. It was pretty funny, lol! So I walked to it until it realised I wasn't really being my usual self (I've never been too close to them in proximity but usually I approach ever so slowly, to show them I'm not a threat and that I love them - but this time I was walking in a determined fashion, lol). Then it ran around the chook pen for a bit, figuring out which way to go until it finally got out. I got in my Jeep and herded this one lone cow back into the paddock next door. LOL. Funny experience that I'd only ever get living out here, hahahahahahahaha. It occurred to me that these kinds of bizarre situations tend to happen in the summer. We've had a whole herd of cows end up in our yard one time. Another time we had two horses wandering around the yard. Just random things like that.

My friend T is coming to visit this weekend with her man. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm hoping that there will be less political-gravitated talk this time and that we'll really just be able to CHILL and HANG OUT. Because I really need just that.

Today I caught up with Adele. I was annoyed at her because she never got back to me about what time would suit her to catch up at the café today. I tried to organize this days ago and it felt as though she didn't WANT to catch up..... and well.... I don't know why, but I thought, stuff it, I'll buy her what she likes and rock up at her house. I messaged her from the café saying, "I hope you're home [this was around the time I had suggested we could meet up] because I'm bringing you a chocolate milkshake." She replied saying she just got home from playgroup break-up party.

[That was another thing that annoyed me - I tried organizing a surprise birthday "gathering" for my single-mum friend H and everybody just prioritised the stupid playgroup break-up party over it. What pissed me off the most was that...... it's not even a playgroup any of them attend REGULARLY. It just seemed like a shit move on everyone's part. Anyhow we all put in some money for a massage voucher for her so I picked that up today and took it to her house, along with the chocolate mud cake I made for her. And I also had my own little personal gift for her - a shower gel and cupcake cookbook. She was really touched.]

So I hung out with Adele and she gave me my birthday present - two enlarged and framed photos of L and I that she took way back in May (or July or whenever it was). I thought that was really beautiful of her. Even though it was good to catch up, I totally noticed that the conversations always ended in a trailing off into an awkward silence. There were small moments of awkward silences - something that never used to happen. But it's all good, it doesn't really affect me. I do wish I was as close to her as I was for a while there when I first moved here, because we had a lot of fun. Pillow fights, exercising, laughing, talking shit, drinking up on the odd occasion, dancing, etc...... just general fun that I haven't ever really had in any friendships at all. Not like that. But oh well...... 'tis what 'tis.

L's grandma had a bad fall and split her lip open. She had to be taken to hospital and have stitches put in. His mum has been suffering from anxiety again lately and so this situation hasn't helped. L says he can hear in both his parents' voices how much they are missing us and how much they can't wait to see the girls at Christmas. It's all a bit sad but I just can't seem to be affected by it right now. I think I'm just looking forward to going there and then getting the fuck out. I don't really know when I started to feel like this but it does surprise me that even though they haven't visited for a while, that I still don't have them out of my system. That I'm still not ready for another round. I don't know why that is, I don't know why they annoy the shit out of me these days, even just the thought of them. Mind you, I can have decent and genuine good times with them - AT THE TIME.

I think it's the whole....................... I don't know. The same questions every single phonecall and the way she remembers every single detail of what's going on in our lives and what's coming up for us in the days or weeks ahead and then asks about it every single fucking phone call. I just can't really do it anymore, hey. It also annoys me that I am in touch with them way more than I am with my own mum - someone who is happy to just chill the hell out and LAUGH about shit and re-fucking-LAX. I mean it comes without saying that there are other things about my own mum that annoy me or are issues at times etc etc, but bloody hell, at least she's my MUM.

Anyway. I should change the topic before I go on and on unnecessarily. I do hope that L's grandma is okay of course, but I think the whole issue here is that ... well...... grandma's just not doing as well as she was even maybe a year or two ago. Time is getting on and so is she and that is the big unspoken part in this family. (I really wish things were said. Really people, it's therapeutic, you should try it some time. There's a reason why we were created with the gift of reason and speech.)

The other thing that came up with the phone counsellor was that once we start on a journey with M regarding her behaviour, then EVERYBODY AROUND HER will have to be completely, absolutely, whole-heartedly CONSISTENT in the way that her behaviour is approached. This will be hard with L's parents because...... because they are who they are. And this is another source of frustration for me because......... because this road already won't be easy and I just wish they were easy people to deal with. What came up (via L himself) in that phone call is that they have also played a huge part in the way our daughter has ended up being, because of the way they have spoilt her rotten and let them walk all over her and butted in when we've been trying to sort any issues out and the way grandma tries to use distraction and so on. It feels like such a mess and it sucks because really they've just done their best and what they thought was best - but they never ever listened to us when we'd stand our ground. And these were L's words himself to the phone counsellor: "In a way it's been good to move away, because it's given us the chance to parent how WE want."

Ohhhhh I don't know. Something's just not right with me today. My writing is all angry and shit. I should just stop. I can't explain anything enough or type enough to tell my story and well..... it's just exhausting. I might go watch TV.

I wanted to sit outside and really take in the cool breeze and the sunset.... but my whole self is a little too unsettled I think. It's dark now anyway.