A pretty great day (NSFW 18+) in Musings and Daily Events

I honestly thought today was going to kind of suck. I wasn’t feeling well and I had classes all day. However, due to some marvelous circumstance, I managed to see Z today. I haven’t seen Z in a little over 6 months.

Background story: When my boyfriend of almost 3 years ended things with me in August 2014, I took a couple of months to just “do me.” It started out normally enough. I went on some dates (awful and weird dates) but it was fun and interesting. I hadn’t been single in about 7 years (I was in a relationship for 4 years right before my last one with maybe like a 3 day break in between, story for another day) and I was going to fucking enjoy it. I invest way too much of myself in people who don’t put in nearly half as much.

Then I met Z and J (among other but these are the key players), who started opening my eyes to this world of love that is not about possession. So I started dating a few people. At once. Everyone knew about everyone else and were either okay with it or didn’t have anything to do with me. I was always safe and got tested regularly, for some of these relationships included sex. It was a breath of fresh air and everything I wanted in a relationship. Again, more on that in another entry.

So Z was a HUGE part of my life. He was one of the men who I saw regularly and who I had a really great, intimate connection with. It was never just about sex. We would go out, grab a bite, see a movie, and just enjoy each others company. Of course the sex was a pretty great part but it was never the only thing.

In February, I met this amazing guy, E, who turned my world upside down. I fell in love and we had a blast together. However, he would never and could never do the poly life. He doesn’t like to share and does not believe you can love more than one person, yadda yadda. So I gave up that part of my life to be with him in a simple monogamous relationship.

Here’s the issue. I miss the poly. I miss doing what I want. But, I love him and don’t want to lose him. So here I am stuck between wanting my cake and eating it too.

I’m happy with him. Truly. I just also want other things. So, I started cheating. It was little things at first. Sending out a couple of nudes, some risque texts. And that was more than enough. I was having my fun and my boyfriend had no knowledge of it. Then someone else comes into my life and it got more physical. More on him later though.

So that is the (quite long, sorry about that) backstory. I’ll write a more full description of it at a later time but that is who Z is. Anyway, My boyfriend does not like Z and the connection we have. So I’m “forbidden” to see him. Basically, he won’t say no but he won’t be happy about it and will make me feel bad.

Welp, today I saw Z. He was hesitant about seeing me at first because he knew I had a boyfriend that I cared about and didn’t want me to think I was some horrible person and feel guilty and go crazy. Little does he know I’ve cheated before and have come to terms with the fact that I am a horrible individual. Moving on, I got into his car and he put his hand on my thigh and I held his hand, caressing his beautiful tattoo. It was sweet and just like old times. At a red light, he kissed me. It was short and sweet but still had that passion behind it that we always share. I’ve missed him and he has missed me. We talk and drive around, we laugh and grab food. I kiss him in the car, a kiss that I know will lead to more and we climbed in the back and it was incredible. It felt so great to have him again. Apparently, he hasn’t been able to get off in 2 months but “of course you come along and it takes hardly any time and feels amazing. Fuck I’ve missed your mouth.” Haha it was fun and exciting and super hot.

So here I am, satisfied and happy. I plan on spending next Monday night with him. We’ll see how that goes. I’m so excited for it.