infuriated as hell in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

so. it’s been awhile since i’ve written about this but i vivldly remember doing it like it was yesterday. oh yeah that’s another thing about my memory. something that happened yrs. ago seems like it’s happening now. or it happened yesterday. or this wk. or. w/e.
right ok so yesterday steph & i did room checks. and she’s like ‘i know this makes you uncomfortable’ or something. no you make me uncomfortable [well she does. i mean she’s not exactly small and i have this fear of being trapped which is one reason i move away from her. also i have issues w/ space]. and then at another point she asks if i’m doing alrite. right cause room checks are such a hard thing for me to get through. oh no how will i ever survive? i’m not some fragile little egg that needs to be talked down to like she’s 2. yeah cause i need someone to protect me from every little thing and tell me how i’m feeling. godamn. i’m not that fragile. that’s the thing about steph is i feel like when she does stuff like she thinks i’m a lot younger than i am. it’s somewhat akin to someone being in a mental institution in a room w/ padded walls. that’s how i feel. like i’m that fukin fragile. and if i talked to steph about it she’d be like oh i’m sorry. no. don’t say anything about it just stop doing it. that’s one thing i really don’t like about her. thank god my mom’s not like that. and i’m not either. i mean i’m clingy just not in that way. i mean yeah evan treats me like i’m fragile too but i like it cause. well he’s not happy. he generally doesn’t infuriate the hell out of me. and bc he’s not happy i relate to him and i want him to be. happy i mean. i don’t want steph to be happy so in a way i go out of my way to make sure she isn’t. god she’s smothering. i’m actually relieved when she’s not happy. i like it. it’s like oh thank god there’s an actual normal real person there instead of some robot. no really that’s how it feels. like she’s not real. like there’s something wrong w/ her. no and uh i don’t mean that in a bad way. this is why i like it when jenn does room checks. bc she’s not like that. and thank god she’s not.
happy people infuriate the hell out me. if i were that happy i’d.........well i won’t put what i’d do. and we’re back here again. that’s my biggest problem w/ her. like i put i already know what to do about it so.
i’m ok w/ content people btw. and yes there’s a diff.