Another Cookout in I'm About To Have A Nervous Breakdown

It would be on nights like this, every time, where some family would be over and there would be a cookout/food. Once the house would be empty, the trash taken out and the dishes cleaned, one quick trip (especially for a holiday) to the liquor store. This same feeling overcame me on Independence Day.

Holiday Handicapped

The little spot that would always like a party by his lonesome once everyone was gone is talking to me tonight. It never helped that the majority of my drinking I did alone. This feeling is so hard to explain to people.

Like they just don’t get it.

“Oh, just don’t drink.”

Even though my second year is coming up I’ve noticed the pattern, especially this summer, with cookouts and/or having friends over with that craving for the drunken state itself. “Cut loose, have some fun, take the edge off.”

I KNOW all to well why that can’t happen. But that demon rears its ugly head from time to time to remind me that he is in fact still there, lurking, waiting to my a night of mine a living hell.

I’ve been watching old horror films on the weekends with friends. They’ll drink beer and I’ll sit there drinking my water. My buddy tells me of how much weight he has lost since changing his diet and exercising. I hadn’t seen the guy in a long while and he made a passive comment that my hair line has further receded and all my insanity and little faults I beat myself over are reflected in front of me. He has since apologized for the hair comment but…I’m not sure what bothers me so much.

I quit that temp job weeks ago. I felt like the village idiot, outcast even to the passengers of the short bus. My therapist says it is because I’m literate and witty and that that kind of personality and charm won’t work on some people. I miss working around females. I could be spontaneous and off the wall and let it all flow. I don’t like feeling reserved. Some days lately I feel like I want to burst.

Since they upped my dosage I haven’t had many violent fantasies…at least I got that going for me.

-J.E.

Last updated September 07, 2015