Good-bye, Beloved Son... in Understanding the Unthinkable

…You are sorely missed.

Isaiah 49:15-16: “Can a mother forget her child, be without compassion for the son of her womb? Even if she should forget, I will not forget you. See, your name is written upon the palms of My hands; your walls are ever before Me.”

Not a day passes that I do not think of him. Most days, I blink back tears. Sometimes I cry in the shower. Other days, I cry in my husband’s arms. Everyone wants to comfort me and I understand that. What they don’t understand is that there is no comfort. It’s not their short-coming or my failure, it’s just the nature of the beast called Death. I hold on to my trust in something bigger than us, and that Creator has a bigger and better plan that is currently beyond my understanding. But the pain? I will carry it until the day I die.

I should have dug deeper. I should have believed Nick when he swore he was clean. I could only see the weight loss, the shaking hands, the bulging eyes, the deep circles under his eyes. And I mistakenly chalked it up to drugs. Thyroid, or any other health issues for that matter, never occurred to me.

However, I cannot beat myself up over what I did not know. We are all to blame, including Nick for muddying the waters with drugs.

Above are favorites from his childhood. I love my boys, a powerful and deep love that death does not separate.

My three sons:

Last updated September 07, 2015