Relaxation Not Included (long, of course) in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

DAMMIT! I guess the trip was pretty much a total loss in a lot of ways. Even if the trip HAD gone perfectly (which of course it didn’t)… coming home to completely dead near-possessed electronics certainly didn’t make me feel chipper and hopeful. I also arrived home to some e-mail messages (1) I will be training someone at work and then getting less hours. Gr. (2) In order for my resume package to really work best; I need to completely re-do the Writing Sample… meaning, choose a topic, research and finish a 10 page or less analysis that will allow employers to judge my abilities. This would be fine, welcome news even, if I (a) had any idea of where to start; (b) had access to even a fraction of the resources I had when I wrote my first writing sample.

But… yeah, the trip itself wasn’t exactly peaceful either.

Friday night… Wife comes home from work around 7:30. Admittedly, I’m running a little behind with things so I don’t have everything packed or dinner prepared or anything. As I finish packing and throwing stuff into the car, I ask Wife if she wouldn’t mind if we just grabbed some BK on the way out of town. She didn’t seem to have a problem with it and we started our trip. Wife also brings along her water bottle in case she gets thirsty on the drive. THIS factor is of prime importance. We get to Burger King and, with Wife’s assurances, I order her usual (#7, Whopper Jr w/Cheese and a Sprite to drink) and I order a Bacon Cheeseburger meal. We receive our order and… two cup holders but 2 BK drinks and a water bottle. I ask Wife if she could put her water bottle down in the passenger seat wheel well? No. She will not do that because she is worried about it spilling. She moves the water bottle onto the shared armrest… I can’t have that. I turn the car to the left; I’m going to have that water bottle all over me. Wife gets very frustrated and with great protestation, finally puts the water bottle in between her legs in her lap. She does tell me how uncomfortable it is for her and how upset she is at having to do that. I find the whole experience odd and troubling as… if she chose that water bottle and knew that we were going to get drive-thru… even a moment’s thought would have told her… water bottle (or BK drink) will need somewhere non-cup-holder to be. As we approach the state border, Wife starts to look through the Burger King bag and takes a bite out of her sandwich. Greatly flustered, she declares “They switched it.” I think, instantly, of at least three dozen things that could mean and ask, “What do you mean?” To which her reply is, “They SWITCHED it!” I try to press more… they switched… your sandwich? the order? What? Somehow… my inability to decipher the phrase “they switched it” sends her into a (truly) terrifying rage. Shouting and anger and then she slams her legs together… the water bottle explodes. Water everywhere. I pull off the highway and park in the nearest parking lot and whip my head to look at my wife. Ultimately, “They switched it” meant that Wife had thought our sandwich orders were switched… her Whopper Jr had bacon on it. My Bacon and Cheese sandwich… had bacon on it. So Wife’s entire freak out, ultimately, was because she received unexpected (but enjoyed) bacon on her burger. So right then and there… I asked her if she wanted me to take her home. I told her that I would be willing to drive her back to Omaha that very moment and leave her there if she was going to act like that. We sit in that parking lot for about ten minutes… weighing the options of me just leaving her in Nebraska for the weekend. I decided to keep going to Iowa without turning around. It was around 8:45 pm by that point and I didn’t want to keep my parents waiting. On the way, Wife and I discuss what caused such a… psychotic event. I told her very clearly that no individual has ever been SO CLOSE to reminding me of Caitlin (my abuser) before and we needed to talk about it now! Best she could do was to discuss how she never feels heard or understood in her day-to-day life at work and so it has become a huge triggering issue for her. If someone isn’t understanding her, she gets frustrated… then tries to calm down but can’t… so she gets even more frustrated… until she is frustrated about being frustrated about being misunderstood to the point where it consumes her conscious thoughts. VERY bad… and if it is going to express itself in this way VERY much in need of some help!!

We arrived at my parents, greeted my folks and the dog, got everything settled in our room and that was the evening.

Saturday… the day was pretty okay. We hung out with the parents and the dog; very chill afternoon. We got ready to drive up to Ames to visit the Bro, SIL and Niece… and Wife realized that she had completely forgotten to pack socks. So she wanted to stop by the mall before we left to pick up socks. And while we were there, get another water bottle. The shopping took us to the Jordan Creek Mall area (an area we both know well) and it was interesting. Wife became very adamant that she really honestly powerfully wanted to move back to the area. And I confessed that our inability to do so really gets to me… because while she moved here temporarily and wants to come back… I started there. So… not being able to get back feels like I’ve failed hardcore because I can’t even get back to the STARTING place, let alone move forward. As we talked, she seemed to be a bit more understanding about how hard this job thing has been for me. Of course… trying to find the right socks and the right water bottle took two hours. I was very frustrated with that as my brother was waiting for us but… I didn’t say or do anything along those lines. The more time we spent at the Jordan Creek Mall, the worse Wife felt about herself. As much as she wants to move to my hometown… she very quickly finds all the ways the women of the area are better than her. Whether make up, fashion, fitness, wealth… Wife is excellent at looking at a person and using that person’s good points in a way to make Wife feel shitty. If she could just see other people’s good points, that would be good… but always using them to assault her own self-esteem and self-worth is… brutal to see.

We finally got up to Ames and it was really good right off the bat. The GIANT Pyr was super excited to see us and the niece kept saying “Hi (insert wife’s name)” over and over again. That girl adores my wife. We played with the niece and hung with Bro and SIL and everything was very good. Better, in fact, than usual for some reason. SIL wasn’t starting shit with me, was very social… it was all good. We even discussed how hard the job search had been for my brother back before he started his own company. It was comforting to hear that both my brother and I do not do well mentally with the job search. Made me feel like, even if it is driving me crazy, my brother had gone through and survived. Granted… he only did it for 2 weeks and by the end of it had utterly convinced himself that he was dying of pancreatic cancer… but that just means I’m handling it a little better as it is/has been longer for me and… I haven’t been that bad… I don’t think.

After dinner and dessert, we watched “What We Do In Shadows” as Wife had not seen it. This is where things get wonky. She and I have been avoiding alcohol recently in hopes that such an act would help with my insomnia. It has no proven to be helpful. BUT… at Bros… she and I both imbibed. And… I guess… nobody really noticed how much Wife was having. It became evident later, through actions and her own admissions, but she became… very very drunk. After the movie, Bro and SIL adjourned to their room and Wife and I went to the guest bedroom… the guest bedroom is on a different floor of the house than any other bedroom and on the opposite corner. This is important because it becomes a good thing that it would be hard to hear what was going on in the guest bedroom. Somehow or other, Wife begins to complain that after seeing Bro and SIL… she’s pissed that I’m so much of a woman. Bro is a great dad, good husband, but he’s also so manly… why am I such a girl?! Normally, it being my brother’s house, I would let it go… but after the shit she pulled Friday, I wasn’t going to be idle. We had a vocal, semi-loud discussion for forty five minutes.... but it could best be summarized and understood by what happened during the last ten.
Wife: Yeah, I know you keep saying being called a girl is insulting to you, but it’s true!
Me: I cannot believe that we’re still going through this shit. You know my history, you know my feelings. Fuck, this is one of the things we discussed in couple’s counseling, god dammit.
Wife: Well, you’re a girl. You being so sensitive and making me feel like the boy.
Me: There. Say that. Say “sensitive”. That is a much better word for discussion.
Wife: What’s the difference? Guys see the word “sensitive” as an insult, too!
Me: I don’t. I see the term “girl” as offensive because it was always leveled at me as an insult, even when it is being leveled at me by you. But it isn’t like that with sensitive.
Wife: Really? What’s the difference?
Me: Girl is an insult. I see “sensitive” as a compliment. Sensitive means I care about people and it means I’m not going to play bullshit games with my feelings. I’m going to be honest about my feelings with my wife because she’s my wife and that’s part of the marital deal.
At this point… and I don’t know what it was exactly… but you could literally watch realization set in. Her eyes changed shape, her mouth changed shape, even her head tilt differed… and she just whispered, “I understand.” And burst into tears. She started saying, “I understand now.” and “I’m sorry,” And came over to cry into my shoulder as I held her. After that… something else stirred in her. She was… very… amorous. To the point of finally actually telling me something about her sexual preferences! Apparently, she does have a favorite position… and we tried it… and it definitely gets her worked up. For the first time in our marriage, she was saying things like “Oh God, this feels great. I love getting fucked this way.” It was very hot. Neither of us finished… but it was an important thing. HOWEVER… I must confess… even this seemed terrifyingly Caitlin. The freak out one night, a verbal attack the next; all to be swept away and forgiven by a sexual experience? CLASSIC Caitlin. If I were an asshole (which, even if I am, I would not intentionally be an asshole to my wife like this)… but were I an asshole I would have said, “Positives and Negatives… the Caitlin Experience with Wife… actual sex with wife… but Wife’s rack isn’t nearly as quality.” But that is asshole and trying to be lighthearted. As much as I enjoyed sexual things… I am not at all lighthearted about Wife’s behavior.

Sunday… When Wife and I woke up, Wife admitted how drunk she was the night before but that she remembered the argument and the sex. She said she had no regrets about the sex or about opening up to me about it; but that she was borderline terrified that Bro or SIL had heard our argument or sex. If they did, they were too polite to say anything. We all had breakfast and played with the Niece for a bit. She kept grabbing books out of her bookshelf and handing them to Wife to read. She even climbed into Wife’s lap for about twenty minutes and Wife downloaded a “Toddler Play Ap” on her tablet. As it became time for Niece’s nap; we put her down and Bro and SIL encouraged us to work out with them. It was a grueling work out. Kettle Balls, Burpees, and Leg Lifts… oh my. (Excruciating; pain that I am still feeling to this day!) We wrapped up, all took showers, and then… as I was getting out of the shower, I heard Niece on the baby monitor. I couldn’t hear if Bro had gotten her so I check in on her and… no. Bro and SIL were still taking showers/getting clothes on. So I spent a little quiet time with Niece. Asked her about her Monkey she sleeps with. Asked if her Piglet plush could give her a kiss (to which she adorably grabbed piglet and pressed the toy against her face). Then she stood up and asked to come out. Apparently, her parents were impressed that she would be comfortable with me getting her out of her crib. After that we all made cookies and Wife and I traveled back to DM for dinner and a TV movie with the parents. The evening was mostly uneventful. Unsurprisingly, I pissed mom off again. Saying something about the movie from IMDB, my mom became angry. When I explained that it wasn’t speculation but an actual story from behind the scenes… she irately said, “You speak with authority when you shouldn’t. It’s not like you know the producer!” ::shrug:: Don’t quite know how to take that unless Mom is specifically stating I need to cite my sources in conversation as though it were an academic essay.

That night I had what could best be described as an extremely powerful, emotionally charged dream. I’m sure it won’t make as much sense if you do’t know me but… basic outline.... at some point in our Youth, Krystal and I were married in a beautiful church setting with her in a lovely white gown. I saw the whole thing perfectly. But for some reason, we had to be apart for an entire decade. During that time, she met Luke, fell in love and got married. I met Wife and got married. At the end of the decade, we met up again. Whoever had originally married us had set up this big renew your vows party with all sorts of gifts. For some reason, Krystal and I felt compelled to continue with the whole thing, even though we knew we were both married to other people. As we did the pleasantries and accepted gifts… it became clear that there was still something between us. But, as usual, my feelings were stronger than hers. It all came to a head when a small old grandmotherly woman gave Krystal a small gift bag and winked at us. Opening it, we found a purple corset specifically for Krystal’s significantly busty frame. Somehow, that present made everything far too real for both of us. She handed me the bag and said, “Maybe (wife’s name) could get it altered and wear it.” I was feeling 8 different emotions and simply said, “We both know she’d never wear anything like this. It was meant for you and you are going to be amazing in it. Luke is incredibly lucky.” And then I left. I couldn’t go through with any of it after that. I found myself surrounded by Friends… not my friends, the cast of Friends… but they were clearly supposed to reference my actual friends. And all they could do was… Chandler tried to be sympathetic while Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe just mocked me mercilessly. Then I woke up.

Monday… was mostly great. Lots of time at the parents. Saw my grandfather and his lady friend. Grandfather +1, Bro, SIL and Niece all came over for a nice Labor Day lunch and hang out that lasted until 5 and that part was fantastic. It was really cool watching Niece play with all the toys Bro and I had when we were growing up; and she really loved the antique swing we had always played with. AFTER the lunch though :/ Everyone left and Mom, Dad, Wife and I decided to take the dog for a walk. Which meant a talk with Dad. :( I know he’s trying to help but… a big part of this break was trying to relax. Along the entire walk it was one thing after another about the job search. “Why don’t you and Wife just move here and figure it out later?” “Have you tried any corporate law positions?” “Would it help to just walk into a firm and hand them your resume?” or my absolute favorite… “Why NOT take the other two Bar Exams?” just item after item of things where the only answers were (1) Yes, Dad. I’ve tried that. (2) No, Dad. I don’t think that would be appropriate. (3) Too many thousands of dollars and too much time would be wasted. Those were pretty much my responses. And as always… I appreciate that he’s trying to help… I appreciate that he is absolutely terrified of what might happen to me and if I will ever get a job. BUT… his way is not “What have you done, let’s talk about what’s going on”.... his way is always “Do it this way, because even though I’ve never done a lawyer job or ever had experience in that field; you should treat me like a certified expert!”
He did have one good thing to say. Mostly, he reminded me of something I already knew but had trouble seeing. OF COURSE Wife is going to be a lot less emotionally stable right now. She’s doing her career coach thing and contemplating life changes. First of all, she hates change… no matter how necessary or positive. Second, she’s been at Wal Mart for over 10 years… much as she hates it, she’s never really known anything else. Lastly, the career coach is just giving her options and encouraging change… our lives together right now are a whirlwind of fear and anxiety in general… not knowing where we’ll live… if/when either one of us get “actual” jobs… so many question marks and scary things still up in the air.... it certainly is no excuse for mistreatment but.... not a lot of people are going to weather that with a calm serenity.

Tuesday… was pretty disappointing. Wife had never been to Zombie Burger and really wanted to go. I checked the website to make sure it was open and away we went! Only to discover that, despite what the website had said, the restaurant was NOT open. Closed for Maintenance. Bummer. So we just drove back to Omaha. Wife and I actually had an AWESOME conversation about politics and world issues on the drive. But it was pretty apparent that as soon as we got into Omaha… Wife was just… very not happy to be returning. She said, “I’ve finally figured out the best way to summarize how I feel about this place. It really is a wonderful place to visit. But living here is a nightmare and we’re trapped here.”

Got out of the car, unloaded everything. And then… discovered the electronics issues. The TV Box that we had someone come in and repair before we left? Still broken. My tablet? Slow as a stoned snail sleeping in molasses. My PC? My only functioning computer? Tower powers on. Screen has power. But the screen doesn’t recognize any signal being received. Tested the monitor with other devices… monitor works. Bought a new DVI cable… that didn’t solve anything. And we can’t test the tower itself because (and I’ll never understand this) the ONLY outgoing data port on the whole damned thing is a DVI. So… either it IS the Tower and that’s a problem… or it isn’t the Tower and I have no ideas. All of my important stuff is already on a removable hard drive so I should be safe there. AND… somehow, magic little person, Wife was able to throw something together to allow me brief periods of functionality with the tower… but the whole thing is a bummer and a mess. :/

Hopefully, at the very least, I’ll get a new laptop this week or next week. That should at least get me something reliable for job search/application and researching for a new writing sample. Plus… a new laptop would give me some much missed mobility and a web cam. We’ll see what happens. At the very least… the brief periods of functionality and the ever present insomnia gave me the chance to throw this entry together quickly before everything shut down again!