and i'm backing out again. updateonthe amber thing. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

and more news.

so sometime soon steph, jenn, amber, alex, nick, my mom and i are all going to have a meeting about this ebt thing. and nick wants me to say how i feel. which i mean is reasonable. but thing is. i probably won’t if steph and jenn are there. steph seems to be under the impression that i’m afraid of her that i’m afraid she’ll do something. and i’m not. i don’t take her that seriously bc well she doesn’t intimidate me. but jenn does. i just don’t want to open up to them. about anything. cause then they’ll want to talk about it more well steph will. and she’ll try to get me to talk. see this is what they don’t like. is that i’ll tell my mom something or. i’ll tell my mom more things than i’ll tell steph. yes bc steph’s all about the feelings like ‘how do you feel about this’. no. don’t use that word. well annoyed and like i don’t want to open up frankly. but then if i tell her that she’ll just be like ‘yes but why. i won’t hurt you’. no you’ll just talk about it for 5 mins. and that’ll only aggravate me more. and i don’t want to resolve that bc it’s a change. and also. i don’t want her to make exceptions for me bc. she’s already too sweet. and also that’s not nice that’s annoying. i’d rather be comfortable and bitch then. the other thing. you push me to talk and i won’t. you push me to eat and i won’t. you push me to........well w/e it is. and i won’t. and also. that issue isn’t super imperitive right now. no my godamn mental health is. but that’s only part of it.
i just. i want more control over who i do and don’t tell things to. it’s all or nothing for me. either i tell them all everything or i don’t tell them anything. yeah the other day actually this v. thing happened. my mom i talked about the ebt thing. and i told her how i felt about it. so then she and steph talked. and steph’s like well what you told me is different from what you told your mom. um well yeah. that’s the whole point. my mom’s not clingy. like at all. or not that i know of. i told my mom how i felt bc she didn’t ask. i know how to solve the problem. i just haven’t done it yet. that’s the only thing.
oh. back to point. so yeah that’s why i’m backing out. which won’t look good for me and yes that does impact me in some way. and the other thing is steph’s already so godamn happy. i don’t want to make her happier. no i can’t relate to that.
like i put i already know what to do about this, so.