Shame in Everyday life

The feeling washed over me this morning when a couple incidents popped up in my head. Writing this entry caused a couple more to come to the fore.

I know why I feel shame. In fact, I should.

You should stop reading here if you're worried about having a lower opinion of me. Or maybe it's me worried about you having a lower opinion of me. My prideful self would hate that.

I only think about these things very occasionally. Not sure why I do, or why I did these things in the first place, except for incident 4, which I explain slightly below.

1. I was 5 or 6. For some reason, me and the neighbor girl upstairs decided to get naked. Were we touching each other? I'm not sure. I don't remember that much. Her mom found us. All I remember is being grounded, for a while, sitting in my bedroom and feeling like the worst person in the world.

2. A year or two or maybe three later, who knows. I am at the local after-school joint, after swimming class. Suddenly I decide to grab a kid in the junk. Why? I don't know. I thought it was supposed to tickle, that I do remember.

3. Fast-forward a couple years. A kid I thought I was pretty friendly with in school, and I did something similar. I don't know why.

4. A few more years. I'm 13 or so and I'm staying with my aunt. Another aunt and her kids, and a friend of hers and her kids were also spending time there. There is a girl two or three years younger than me, child of aunt's friend. I was in the early stages of puberty and found her attractive. Somehow we end up in a room with a couple of other kids, her and I on a bed. I start tickling her all over. There was no touching of her genitals, I specifically remember avoiding that. I do remember her saying, though, that her dad never tickled her like that. Again, more shame.

Am I a molester? By the strict definition, I guess so.

I don't know my compulsions for these incidents. As far as I know, I wasn't abused, but that certainly isn't normal behavior.

For some reason this morning at work, incident No. 3 popped into my head. I don't know why it did, and quite frankly, it disturbed me when it did. I felt paralyzed with disgust for a good 30 seconds.

I don't even know why I'm writing about this, really, other to get it out there and documented. Maybe I'm hoping it'll help me confront some old demons? Not sure. All I know is I had to write about it. And I really hope I don't come across as a total creep because, while that may be the case, I don't want to be thought of that way, even by strangers and people who have no clue whom I am.