this is really screwing w/ my ptsd in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

this whole. amber objectifying violation thing. and also. it’s been 5 yrs. and 3 days since i was raped. so that screwed w/ it too. er well i guess that’s not quite what i meant damnit. no it made it more evident brought things up.
every day for the past 4 days i’ve had flashbacks. i had a panic attack this morning and then another one yesterday morning. i had a dream about it last night at midnight. yeah so ptsd wise it’s not been an easy wk. i had a panic attack during dinner.
yeah cause my ...........him...........the guy who raped me objectified and used and violated me too. first they’ll fuk you. and then they’ll fuk you ouver. one of my many things. and then steph’s all on me about getting this cut thing i have checked out. omygod. people worry too much. i don’t particularly care about getting it checked out honestly. good thing she doesn’t know about the cuts i have from my anemia. oh no i’ve said too much. w/e not like she’s gonna read this. i can say w/e i want in here. sorry, i got bitchy.
like it’s my body. not hers. and the only reason i’m going along w/ it is cause/so A: she’ll get off my case and 2: cause as i’ve mentioned i’m afraid. not.......not of her. no actually she’s one of the pepople i take less seriously than like. my mom or jenn. cause well both my mom and jenn are intimidating. i don’t like it when people make decisions about me regarding my body. someone already did. has.
i know what to do about this, so.