um well yeah i am backing out in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

ya know thing is this amber thing was up to me. untill it wasn’t anymore. i told my mom a few things about how i felt about it. and she emailed the notes to alex. and i think alex is going to talk to jennifer amber’s boss. so. it’s really not in my control anymore. but i want to do more about this situation myself. in a weird way i almost hope but don’t that amber will come by and she will threaten to move me so that i can tell her myself ‘well legally you’re not allowed to do that’. for once i can tell her what she’s not allowed to do. and maybe that’s still an option i don’t know. i’m backing out bc. it’s not in my control anymore. evan was right when he told me that. as much as i didn’t like his blatant honesty. well like it or not he’s right.
i thought...........i would be the one to talk to nick amber’s supervisor. and meet w/ him and tell him how i felt. and i’m just. idinno confused. and disappointed. they did leave it up to me. but i didn’t explain what i wanted. cause i never do untill after. i’m not good at telling people what i want before it happens. it’s not their fault really it’s mine. well great now i feel bad about it. like i did something wrong. this isn’t the first time it’s happened to me and it probably won’t be the last. see i always do this. i expect people to just know. what i want. i also really don’t like explaining myself. and i’m not patient. this is the other thing that keeps me from meeting new people. it’d be great if everyone just knew right when you met them. and you wouldn’t have to explain anything. but that’s not how things work. that’s not how the world works. yeah maybe me not meeting new people is keeping me stuck but maybe i’m ok w/ that. [i put ‘maybe’].
the other reason. i’m backing out. is bc now there’s someone else involved in things. and again the more i’m pushed the less i’ll do. and i knew i wouldn’t like this part of it. there’s always going to be something people don’t like that’s just part of life. it’s not anything against alex no she’s a cool lady. so it’s not specific to her. it’s anyone like that. i always do this. there’s something i don’t like and i run and i leave. i guess i’m not that great at handling things.
all evan did on tues. night was give me his opinion. and then i misinterpreted it and i felt pushed and influenced. and that’s not fair to him. but at the time it didn’t feel like he was giving me his opinion. although he was. well fuk now again i feellike i did something wrong. when you’ve lived in fear for so long..........or that’ s all you know. or it’s a big part of your life. yeah i’d think someone else would feel this way too.
but, ya know. i don’t need other people to defend me against him. we have an issue i bring it up we talk about it. and no one else gets involved. and again that’s what i like about it. is that no one else gets involved. i’m not a plant i don’t need to be taken care of. [well not in that regard]. everyone sees me as this fragile little egg bc of the choices i’ve made and now they all think i’m so delicate. [except for people who’ve abused me and raped me apparently]. like ‘oh well we know she used to drink heavily and now since we know that. we need to watch out for that’. i think someone should but i don’t want them to. i never should’ve told them that cause now i regret it. but part of the reason i told them was cause i was scared of what’d happen if i didn’t. and i still am. and now they know everything and i can’t take it back. someone can’t unknow something once they already know it. but i wish they could. so even if i told them that never happened and i slipped up and never meant to tell them about it the drinking. that won’t work. it’s also dishonest. so, if i decide not to tell them something......what will happen? i’ll ask alex, so. don’t answer that.
i wish i wasn’t so afraid ya know? fear is the #1 thing that holds us back. i think a lot of people are like this.
ya know. i don’t like that i was raped. i just like that they weren’t that careful. idk if that sounds weird or not. like no rape is fukin awful. and maybe. it’s not specific to rape. and then. i don’t like it when they’re not careful, so. i know, i’m a contradiction and i don’t make sense. at least. when i was living at my mom’s they didn’t know much. if i for instance sprained my ankle when i was living there. even if they knew they didn’t say anything about it. and thank god.but now 2 or 3 or 4 people know. they know about the drinking they know about the cutting. which actually i haven’t done in 2 yrs. and this is the exact reason i don’t heavily drink anymore at my house. is bc i don’t want them getting more involved. so what’ the problem? well there isn’t one that’s not been solved. i just wish they’d never known to begin w/. that’s the only point to all this. i didn’t really have a choice. as to what they knew about me and what they didn’t. and yeah there’s nothing i can do about it now so no sensein going on about it. yes but that’s why i am going on about it is bc there’s nothing i can do about it.
um. oh right. well there’s a balance. like w/ clint. and alexis. and uh...........jessica. what i liked about them was that they weren’t employed by amber’s company. and even though i found them through my mom once i got to know them they were people i actually wanted in my life. they were people i wanted to know things abut me. cause if they felt they needed to tell someone something. which only happened once. it would only go between them, myself and my mom. and i want to have that again. i’m ok w/ that. i don’t want more than. 3 people in the circle. like ok. if i told jenn something. she’d probably tell her mom. who’d tell amber or whoever. which is what’s stopping me from telling her.
the reason i go along w/ things. in er regarding this situation. is bc i’m too afraid not to. i’m too afraid of what the government’s going to do. like if steph asks me about something and i say [not that i would] i don’t want to talk about it. i’m afraid she or someone else will be like ‘ok well there are consequences for that’ or ‘ok but we’ll talk about it later’. and i don’t want her to decide when that later is. and yeah a big part of it is my anxiety. but certain things do contribute to that.
but then when i go along w/ things. i cave. and i feel like less of a woman. [and don’t tell me otherwise]. so the fear. is stopping me from being less of a woman.
but, ya know. the other night when evan i were talking about it. he said something like ‘it’s not easy so don’tlike. feel bad about not doing it’. well he eluded to it. yeah see and that’s the thing. is everyone’s so much more understanding about my stuff. than i am. er like ok. i’m not that understanding when it comes to me. yeah i’m hard on myself. people have told me not to be but that doesn’t really help. i feel like when people do that they’re just ignoring it. and they’re not validating it. ya know they’re not going ‘well i get why you feel this way’. and if they don’t understand why i do then just tell me.
i don’t have much else to put right now. i’ve pretty much made my point/s.