Press pause in 2014

I have no idea where to even start.
So much has happened, and it makes it feel impossible to just jump in and start talking, with no preamble, but then I don’t have the time or the energy for the preamble.
We got married, and it was wonderful. It was just perfect. Way more perfect than I think I’d even imagined it would be. I wanted everything to be right, and for people to enjoy it and have fun and basically have a big old party. So I think I had focussed on that, and what everyone else would enjoy and I hadn’t thought so much about how the day would actually be. In the end, I think that’s what worked out so well, because the day was wonderful because everywhere I looked there were people who I loved, enjoying themselves, laughing, drinking, having fun. It was magical and amazing and I love my peoples. I wish I could go back and re-run the day, over and over, and each time I would spend the whole day with a different group of friends because I only got to be in snippets of each of their days, and it was so lovely to have them all there. When the photos arrived I was amazed at how much stuff had happened that I hadn’t even been aware of, it was awesome! (Namely the erotic pseudo-gay photoshoot….)
Then we went to Mexico, and that was amazing too! Five star luxury and sunshine and love and being in a wonderful bubble.
Then we came home and there has been some hormonal unpleasantness. I don’t know quite what happened but my anxiety and depression went way way deep off the scale of anything I am used to these days. It was… horrific, actually. Exhausting. It seems to have lifted now (hoping that doesn’t tempt fate…) and I don’t know if it has any connection but I am guzzling evening primrose oil like a psychotic and desperate menopausal woman and that seems to be helping. So I’m just going to keep doing that and crossing my fingers.
So, the plan was that after the wedding and the honeymoon we would resume the quest for babies. We were very much set on that after a lot of sads when things hadn’t happened thus far. We were very invested in the whole thing. So it feels strange now to not feel that way. I don’t know what has changed but I am uncertain and unsure. There are career things I want to achieve yet, which might be hampered by a tiny baby. I want to go to Utah and see my friend. I want to go back to Mexico. I have more I want to do with roller derby. And yet, it isn’t any one of those things. I don’t know. I just suddenly don’t feel ready. I was ready and I was excited but now… I’m not? But I don’t know what to do. Because if we don’t do it now, when? And do I really feel like this, or am I just scared of getting my hopes up again? I find it so hard to get my head around because if I just got pregnant I’d be pleased, but this journey feels too much, and I don’t want that. And I’m not even sure I like children! But then I think of seeing Jonathan with our baby and I go all squidgy inside. I’m frightened of losing who I am, and not achieving the things I want to achieve. I want to spend time with my husband, just the 2 of us, and enjoy our adventures. I love out life and our home and our cats and doing whatever we want to do. I don’t like the world and the way it is changing and I don’t know if I can raise a child in it. I am constantly torn in 2 directions and Jonathan is no better so we stay stuck, but I have to make a decision soon. I’m supposed to get my ovaries drilled at the end of October and I don’t know whether to cancel it or go ahead. I want someone to tell me what the right decision is.