Chin Up, Buttercup in The Day To Day Ramblings

I had a dream last night that I came here and I wrote a long entry about how I couldn't write here anymore because too many people were pregnant or just had a baby or were raising young children and that it was too painful for me to be a part of a community that had what I wanted but couldn't have myself. Then I woke up this morning and marinated foggily in that thought for a bit, rolling around all the reasons I felt like that and dreamed like that and how my awake brain wanted to process it. I was so certain in my dream, so painfully raw at reading all of the baby entries and the positive pregnancy tests and the lives full of things I could see through a fogged over window, just out of reach...and I decided today that I can't react that way. I've been pulling away from OD-->Prosebox for months because I feel like I'm a broken record of issues with Rob and babymaking and doctor appointments and doom and gloom. Not only is this the happiest time of the year, it is my favorite time of the year and there are so many wonderful blessings and beautiful things that sprinkle themselves throughout my life and I want to share those things here. I want to share them with you.

I want to document my life here with an open heart - both in accepting myself and my circumstances and in accepting each of you in yours. True friends are not jealous of one another but supportive of the riches that fill the lives of those we love. So I would like to make a point to be here more, share more pictures and even if a lot of what I have to say right now is about being stuck and frustrated and it might get old and boring because it's so often about the same things, I want to share it here because it matters and it's true and one day I want to look back and see how far I've come and remember where my story went, one day long ago.

So some time this week I want to come back and catch up on the 30+ Bookmarks at the top of my page that I'm behind on and take a deep breath, put on my big girl pants and realize while my diary may be all about me, this community with all of you in it is not all about me. It is about us, our shared connection, our secret corner of the internet, our sneak away world where we can and should be fully accepting in a way our real world selves and our real world friends may not be.

So there's all that. Happy December all :)