I don't know how I feel anymore. in Since OD is shutting down....

So things at work are going alright, probably as good as they’re gonna go. I got in trouble the other day for wearing basketball shorts which irritates me because again, there’s no AC where I am and they are the only shorts I have with pockets. Needless to say, I won’t wear them anymore. I also got in trouble for not wearing my hat which I have to start doing everyday. It sucks because I haven’t had to for so long but “it’s part of the uniform” so whatever I guess. I got paid on Friday and was able to pay some bills which makes me feel better about things. I also got my nails filled this morning. They were really grown out from getting them done almost a month ago. I’m glad I have a job where I can have them though.

I’m officially done with Matt. I just can’t do it anymore. I already felt like I invested too much time and feelings towards someone and it wasn’t going anywhere. I barely heard from him all last week. He emailed me saying his phone was “killed” and said he got a new puppy so he’d been busy. Um, okay. Well I broke down and text him last night because I was bored and wanted to see him but he just said he was busy and I asked if I would see him again and that’s all he would say. I’m guessing ‘puppy’ is code for new pussy so I changed my number, deleted all his emails and plan to leave it the fuck alone.

It really bothers me a lot. A lot more than I’d like it to. My friends tell me that I like the chase and that just pisses me off because I don’t feel like it’s an accurate observation. It’s like all the ones that aren’t right for me that treat me like shit, chase me and the ones I feel a connection with that would maybe treat me half decent are the ones that don’t want a relationship. I just don’t know if this is the kind of guys I attract or not but I do know there’s plenty of assholes here. I admit that I’m really lonely and I’ve started to realize that maybe the reason I can’t sleep without Tylenol PM is because I don’t have anyone to sleep with at night.

I’ve posted a new ad on CL and all the guys I talk to just want pictures and once they get it, they either don’t respond or respond and say they aren’t interested. It starts to make me feel really ugly and makes me question if I’m ever going to find someone that would be attracted to me. I honestly don’t think I’m that bad looking but it’s really hard for me to find a decent looking guy. I’m accepting more and more that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life and it’s foolish and it’s counterproductive for me to try and change that. I guess it’s nice to have someone around for awhile to distract me from getting too stressed out about work and my weight but none of them stay around either.

I’m glad that I have my job, don’t get me wrong but I really want to go back to where I belong. I want to go back to my other store where I feel the most comfortable but it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen and it’s a huge concern for me. I’m scared they aren’t ever going to let me go back. I like where I’m at for different reasons but it’s not as fast-paced so my ADHD kicks in and I don’t make enough money. I have a lot of days where I get there and we all stand around for about an hour or more before it gets busy and it drives me fucking crazy. I’m constantly worried that I’m not going to get at least 26 hours a week because if I don’t, I won’t get food stamps.

I’m back to feeling trapped. I am really sick of never having a life outside of my job. I didn’t get to see my niece over the weekend and I’m pretty sure it’s because my brother’s ex sent me a picture of his son and he called me saying that his girlfriend was super upset and was threatening to leave because of it. I just don’t understand why I have to be punished for it. That little girl is the only reason why I don’t pack up and start a new life somewhere else and if I’m gonna go back to not seeing her, I’m going to start thinking about moving away.

I went to lunch with one of my friends today and that was okay. I was annoyed that her kid was with her because her kid is a fucking brat and she makes it really hard for us to talk because she’s always interrupting us. It’s super annoying. I was talking to her once again about coming back to her store but I honestly don’t think it’s going to happen until they get desperate. I’m just really concerned about this because I just don’t feel like I belong where I’m at. Everyone is pretty nice to me and everything but honestly, it’s not where I want to be.

It’s just becoming so hard for me to be alone. Most of the time I’m okay with it because I have a job that I like and it keeps me busy but I do get tired of coming home and going to bed by myself. I just want to understand why. Why I’m alone. Why every guy that I could actually see myself with doesn’t want a relationship. I admit that I really did like Matt and could see things go somewhere if he would have allowed it to but now, I’m just glad things ended sooner than later. In like a week, he will be nothing more than a memory.

I’m always glad to have days off but once I get all my errands ran, bills paid, house cleaned, I’m bored and then I start getting depressed because I start thinking about being alone, everything I wish I could change and where my life is going.

Anyways, I think I’m gonna go eat and have a beer. Maybe watch some tv. I really wish God would send me a fucking miracle.