No, YOUR Title Here in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Again… at work doing this borderline data entry stuff… my mind wanders in completely unrelated directions(!)

MEANDERING THOUGHT ONE

I am trying to understand my wife better. I am one of those hippy dippy souls that believes a giant step towards avoiding, averting, or ending conflict is understanding. And there are many things about my wife that I find difficult to understand… but one in particular that baffles me.
The starting point of the discussion must be from a place of trust. My wife assures me that she is neither a lesbian nor asexual. Therefore; we are left to conclude that she does have sexual feelings and those feelings (at least some of the time) are about men. That is the fundamental assumption we must start from because trust is required for understanding.
So… given that my wife is 35 years old… has had more than 15 sexual partners in her lifetime… and does have sexual attractions towards men…
what I find difficult to understand is her answer to this/these question(s):

“What turns you on? What puts you in the mood? What gets your motor running and makes you feel good?”

The answer is a firm, consistent, and profound “I have no idea.” It is important to break here for simple clarification. The question is a means to understand how to initiate intimate contact or place Wife in an amorous state. The question is not designed to discover what makes Wife orgasm as, limited though it may be, I do actually know the answer to that. However, even considering the question is limited strictly to “What puts you in the mood”… I find it particularly important to note that the answer is not “Lots of things, for example…” but a sincere declaration of utter ignorance. This declared absolute ignorance about a detail of oneself seems strange to me. This is something that I feel separates me from (honestly) many people I encounter. I am not pretending that I am somehow significant or better… but my life has been a constant routine of self-reflection and greater attempts at self-awareness. One of the earliest “Wise Sayings” I ever heard (that has stayed with me) was Socrates “The unexamined life is not worth living.” And thus… in my marriage and in day-to-day situations… I find it difficult to understand people who have a complete absence of self-awareness. But as “turn ons” are such an ingrained part (whether genuinely or simply via social expectation) of courting and mating… to have no clue as to what one’s own turn ons might be baffles and confounds me. This bafflement places very real blocks in the path of understanding and growth; both for me as a husband and for our marriage generally.

SECOND MEANDERING WORK THOUGHT

If I don’t get any more interviews this month (19 days) I am going to ask some more people to look over my resume. I’ll contact the Extern Head at Creighton Law, probably the Writing Department Head… and definitely some of my judge contacts. Maybe they’ll just say “Good job, don’t change anything.” Maybe they’ll say “The format is good but I can’t see you getting hired anywhere with such meager experience” or maybe they’ll just say “I don’t have time.” But… it is definitely something I’ve been thinking of.

THIRD MEANDERING WORK THOUGHT

HA! How’s this for strange. I had a good thought going… it was all interesting and I wanted to share it because it felt important to me… and then the thought completely disappeared as Work Crush walked by in a blue dress with a high skirt (really high for her taste, showing a lot of thigh)… PICTURE link for those curious and her flesh toned high heels and… yeah. Totally forgot my meandering train of thought.
To make THAT even worse… I’ve been tired and too hot today so my mind wandering again… hearing Work Crush humming to herself in the office… it honestly crossed my mind (unbidden and only quickly) I wonder what her sex noises are? SUPER embarrassed emoji for THAT. That is the kind of random thought that used to get people on OD super-duper mad at me for being a hormone-driven misogynistic asshole (literally, a comment I received once as I tried to discuss difficulties with dating).

FOURTH MEANDERING WORK THOUGHT

A good friend of mine sent me a link to a job opening. In Nebraska. In corrections. So… I would be working for the same people I am now if I applied. It is an hourly gig, not salary… but $21 an hour. But… at the same time… I’m just… guh! Like… part of me thinks “Go for it, apply. Why not?” And the other part of me screams “You and your wife really want to get back to Iowa. You really want a job that uses your legal degree. But most importantly, you really want to get back to Iowa and be closer to family again!” That and… my wife would kill me if I told her we had to stay in Omaha forever. Absolutely kill me dead.

THIRD MEANDERING WORK THOUGHT (It came back to me)

In court today, I’m sitting in my little side-office with the corrections officers… them in their uniforms; me in gray slacks and a red polo shirt. And one of my CO Friends says, “Where’ve you been?” Because… yeah, haven’t been getting the hours around here. But because I’m me, I don’t bitch… I just say “Trying to get a job in Iowa, hah!” And so he asked me how that works… like… what am I? And my answer, while accurate, made me feel uncomfortable… out of place… like.. super out of place anywhere kind of out of place. And the answer was as follows: “I am a licensed attorney in the state of Iowa and have been admitted to the practice of law. I just… don’t have a job. But I’m still a licensed attorney. But only in Iowa.” It just… upset me for some reason that I can’t quite put my finger on. I found it unsettling. I have graduated from Law School (with an honor!). I have passed the Iowa Bar Exam. I am a licensed attorney in Iowa. But… I’m not a practicing attorney. I’m not learning how to become a better lawyer or plying my trade in pursuit of justice or wealth. Honestly… I think I find it unsettling because right now it reminds me of my acting days. In reality, I’m CK… but I have this “character” of Lawyer and I know the lines and I know the blocking and I’m ready to see if the audience likes what I’ve done with the character but...... somehow we skipped the show and went straight to the Week After. Where, even though the character is still very real and alive to the actor, nobody cares anymore. Maybe that isn’t accurate. Or maybe that is just a weird way of saying it. Either way…

I’m done at work. Hooray! I still have LOADS to read in catch up and respond to notes. No, it isn’t a chore… it is honestly a joy. But as a joy it is something I reserve for times where I can immerse and enjoy instead of rush through and “get done.” So… I’m slow, lol.