15-08.03.128 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Oh Frelling balls.

So… MOnday. Couldn’t sleep. There I am, laying in bed… my left leg is KILLING ME with pain. The hip flexor, the thigh, the calf… it was one of those pains where I consider honestly cutting it off in hopes that a prosthetic would be more helpful!!

I wound up getting a few hours sleep but… bah! The whole thing is YET ANOTHER Catch 22 in my life. All related to pain. You see… my excruciating back and leg pain have two diametrically opposed realities. (1) Exercise is good AND bad. Working out helps generalize the pain, as it is currently too concentrated. BUT exercise exacerbates the pain. A catch 22… working out helps me tolerate the pain, but makes me feel the pain for longer (2) The pain interferes with but is benefited by sleep. I can’t sleep when I’m in such horrid pain… but a few hours sleep can be the difference between tolerable and intolerable pain. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Maybe an hour or two but the pain wouldn’t let me sleep well.

So, I stayed awake. Played some Destiny and some Clash of Clans. Then went to work to interview convicts for 5 hours. Came home around noon. Wife was playing on her tablet. Tried to nap. Didn’t work. Walked out into the living room and Wife was crying. I simply sat down so as not to disturb her… she was watching a Star Trek Voyager Episode where a child died. Those usually get to her. Another thing that makes me think “Okay… she isn’t heartless… she’s just not thoughtful.” I opened up a list from PsychologyToday to give her some encouragement to find a therapist… she looked through it and rejected them all. She said she wouldn’t go to a therapist unless they dealt with Autism, Depression, Anxiety, and (the big thing) Career Counseling.

Unfortunately, by this time the pain in my left leg and my back was causing me to see a bright white light (it happens, it is awful… seriously, the pain I deal with… IRL, I try to pass it off like it is no big deal but sometimes… for fuck’s sake it is too much)… so I tried again to take a nap. I put on some “Arpeggio of Blue Steel” and slept for about two hours. It did the trick… temporarily. My leg pain was manageable for about 4 hours. I made a few sandwiches for myself and Wife since she was hungry (lol, she’s so helpless on her days off) and we (finally) watched Big Hero 6! I liked that movie a lot!!

After that movie was over, Wife asked me to make her a drink and turn to Voyager. I told her I would do it ONLY on condition of her telling me 5 reasons she wanted to stay married to me. I told her that I wanted to hear her answers because I’ve been down about the job lately.
Her Answers:
(1) My aspirations for myself and our marriage inspire her
(2) I always push us to use our minds and be more thoughtful
(3) My focus on “complete living” makes her feel like a more well rounded person
(4) I always try to make her smile
(5) We have enough similar interests to hold a conversation while not being too similar.
So… that is what she gave me. I’ll be honest… the number of those reasons that are about her focusing on her makes me worried. BUT… maybe that’s my lot in life.

So I made her a drink and put on some Star Trek Voyager. After which she asked me to make dinner… so, of course, I did.

And that was my Monday. Yeah… I wish my wife was less self-focused… I wish my wife’s list of Sexual Yes was longer than her list of Sexual No… I wish I wasn’t constantly in pain… I wish I had a full time Legal Job… I wish LOADS of things. But, as God-Awful Depressing as it is to say right now… this is my life. I’m living it.

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Didn’t save this before going to bed last night and had a long stretch of interesting dreams.

First dream was… sexual. It involved a strange woman with the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen on a pale white face with ruby lips. Like Fairuza Balk but less intimidating while being more captivating. Her twin sister was behind her and whispering ideas.

Second dream was… unsettling. It involved trying to build a dream house but the whole thing kept falling apart. It was supposed to be completed by August 1… we were having family out to see it for my niece’s birthday at the end of September… and the contractor could just NOT complete the damned project! This dream transitioned into something darker… I drove out to the house to check on things and a cadre of children dressed in Mennonite Clothes were sneaking into the house. I followed them silently to see what was going on and… it was awful. The children had enacted a plan to blackmail whoever the owner of the house was by stashing kiddie porn throughout the uncompleted parts of the house. It was… dark.

Next was a dream that pretty much was no big deal. The family was crashing a high society party, which was okay, but we were crashing it en route to something else. So everybody piles into the car to leave that party but I notice my shoelace is untied. I bend down to tie it, Dad impatiently guns the engine, and I get hit and hospitalized.

The final dream was the darkest of all. It even had a guest star Christopher Lloyd as the mentally unbalanced ill of health villain. I can’t recall all the elements that brought everything together but I remember that my mom and a few other people were being held prisoner in the High School Principal’s house by Christopher Lloyd’s character… a former teacher of mine who was fired when they needed their health insurance MOST. I kept reminiscing with mom, trying to make Lloyd remember better times and why hurting us would be bad. Ultimately, he agreed to let everyone go IF Mom brought him back to her place and we just hung out for four hours. En route… he killed himself.

Seriously… I don’t know where my brain gets this stuff!