Tuesday Afternoon in New Diary

This has been a bad day. How would I rate my depression? I think it is a five on a scale of one to ten. Paranoia is also high rating as a five along with anxiety. I didn’t leave my apartment all day. I didn’t shower. I haven’t been cleaning and my apartment is a mess. Feel like shit today

I don’t understand it I felt good last couple of days. Then the damned depression hits me. Meds should be working but I don’t think it is. Why would I be doing good one day and then I’m back down in the dumps the next ? It does not make sense.

I pay careful attention to what I’ve been thinking . I am not thinking anything negative. Depression seems to come over me. I started feeling sad this morning and then It got worse and worse. I can tell you how I am feeling. I am feeling pretty hopeless right now. Things will never get better. I am feeling like a failure because I can’t take care of myself or my apartment. Ok that is I am thinking I am a failure because I can’t take care of my apartment. Other thoughts come to mind but I think these are the most predominant.

Also, I signed up for this Capitol One Credit card last week. I don’t know what I was thinking when I did that. I don’t have it and already it is causing me high anxiety. The last thing I need right now is a huge credit card bill. I keep thinking that once I get the card I will be using it and raking up a high bill. Thinking about a bill that doesn’t exist yet is causing me a lot of anxiety. Once I get the card I vow never to use that except for cases of extreme emergency.

I read for a little bit today. Too much is on my mind and I couldn’t concentrate very well. I will get back to my book b I just don’t feel like doing much of anything except stare at the computer. Jesus I hate this shit.

Always remember what I call the positives. 1) I am alive. 2) I am in good physical health. 3) I have a wonderful girlfriend 4) I have food to eat and clothes to wear. 5) I have a nice apartment. 6) I have a new hearing aid. 7) I have phone, internet and cable 8) I have money for meds 9) I have interesting books to read. 10 I have a wonderful support system in Healthways. I have all this going for me and more but I still suffer from major depression and despite the damned meds I cannot snap out of it. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand it at all.

Last updated August 04, 2015