Tuesday Morning in New Diary

Well, I am up and faced with another day. Life is good, I think. I am saying this because the depression is a little high. On a scale of one to ten I would rate it as a 3. Think I am depressed because I have so little money left over. I got about $112 left for the month. I need this to buy food and household items and meds. This is money already spoken for. Oh well I have everything I need so that is a good thing,

I had a good night last night. I watched Jeopardy then read for about an hour. I am still reading my biography of John Marshall. The author, Jean Edward Smith goes into a lot of history about the early republic. I was reading yesterday about the EYZ affair. Along with two other men Marshall was a diplomat to France. They were trying to negotiate a treaty that would prevent war. Foreign minister would not see the diplomats unless he was paid a bribe. Americans refused to pay a bribe and were eventually sent home. Marshall became a national hero for his affair and shortly after that he ran for Congress on the Federalist ticket.

I went to bed early last night. Woke up around 4:30 went back to bed. Don’t like getting up so early. Then I chatted with my fiancé on Facebook. Got a little sleepy and went back to bed I am up for good and ready to face another day

10:00am It is ten o’clock. I haven’t showered or gotten dressed. I don’t feel like getting going and facing another day. I want to lie on my couch and perhaps watch tv. I don’t want to get dressed and leave my apartment. I would rather sit in here and just do nothing. I feel like such a lazy fuck. Starting to feel like a failure in life again. All the old negative thoughts are resurfacing. Gees oh whiz

I need to man up. I don’t want to man up.. Need to be a man and take care of my responsibilities. What are my responsibilities? Number one is to take care of myself. Number two is to take care of my apartment. I look around my apartment and feel like a failure because I haven’t cleaned since the onset of this depression.

Speaking of depression when I saw that psychologist last Monday he diagnosed me with major depression. I could have told him that already. Anyways this is what Wikipedia has to say about Major Depression :

Wikipedia says Major Depression is s mental disorder characterized by a pervasice and persistent low mood. It is accompanied by low self esteem and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

Here is part of the article :

Major depressive disorder (MDD) (also known as clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression, or unipolar disorder; or as recurrent depression in the case of repeated episodes) is a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive and persistent low mood that is accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. The term “depression” is used in a number of different ways. It is often used to mean this syndrome but may refer to other mood disorders or simply to a low mood. Major depressive disorder is a disabling condition that adversely affects a person’s family, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health. In the United States, around 3.4% of people with major depression commit suicide, and up to 60% of people who commit suicide had depression or another mood disorder.

aw the hell with it

Last updated August 04, 2015