the memory of home. vs. what actually happened. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

as people might know by now my former roommate christopher passed a little over a month ago. no you don’t have to say anything about it that’s not what this entry’s about [though you can if you want to]. um so when he was living here it was........it would be almost a yr. ago in oct./nov. and in dec. it’ll be a yr. since jessica moved. um anyway.
in oct./nov. christopher. really started getting upset. not w/ anyone just in general. which upset me more than the others or at least i showed it more. it wasn’t healthy for me to be subject to his verbal abuse and i knew that. even though it wasn’t directed towards me.
ok so during that time and ever since my house hasn’t been home. actually other than when i was visiting jessica [well she invited me and it only happened a couple times] i haven’t been home in a long time. and by ‘home’ i don’t men a physical residence cause that’s not what i think of when i think of home. home is a place not a feeling and sometimes it’s a feeling you get from a place. or a person.
well here’s what i’m getting at: it’s the memory of what happened when christopher was here that didn’t make it home. and that’s what i keep thinking of. it’s not what’s actually is going on now. i’m not saying it didn’t effect me cause it did. i’m not asking what to do about since i already know. if you relate then tell me. if you don’t then............well anyway.
also i am so damn scared of having that warmth again. stephanie’s family is so nice and that is so weird for me even after all this time. it’s like foreign. it’s just like. well to me it’s not normal. well it’s not my normal. [again i know what to do about it, so].