I Hate Being a Working Mother in Inside My Head

I’m a Physician Assistant (PA) and I specifically went into this field because I felt it would give me a better work life balance. For the past 6+ years I’ve busted my behind to build up my career. I have worked in the ICU for my entire career, originally covering trauma and neurosurgery patients and eventually just neurosurgical patients. I used to love it. I helped care for the sickest of the sick, and the departments that I worked for (especially neurosurgery) were the most respected in the hospital.

Once I became pregnant I knew I has to leave. I can’t do 12+ hours shifts and work nights with a baby at home and a husband working long hours. So I went to internal medicine. I essentially drop kicked my career in the stomach by doing that. Making the switch that I did was like leaving a prestigious university working as a professor to becoming a middle school teacher in bumblefuck middle America. I hate my job. As an ICU PA I was (somewhat) respected. Now I’m a doormat apparently.

The head of the internal medicine department gave me the job right before I went out on maternity leave. My hospital has two campuses - one campus is an easy commute from my house, the other is not. He promised to keep me on the closer campus and essentially pick my own hours, 7-3, 8-4, or 9-5. He promised minimal weekend coverage. Then he quit while I was out on maternity leave and everything went out the window.

The new director (who is not particularly fond of PAs) has had me working at the further campus (which is 42 miles from my house) since I came back in March. She has been made well aware of the arrangement I made with her predecessor which she’s essentially ignoring. She had promised me to bring me back to the closer campus in September when two more nurse practitioners start working. I had a meeting yesterday where I was basically told that as of September they’re changing my hours to 12pm - 8pm. I cannot work those hours. I have a baby in daycare and daycare closes well before 8pm. We don’t have family nearby. I would have to hire someone to pick up my son and drive him to their house where I would have to wake him up once I get out of work and then put him back to bed when I get home between 8:30-8:45. Um no. So I when I told them that those hours would not work for me, I was told that they’re going to contact HR and see if they can move me to another department. The only departments that are hiring PAs at the moment are trauma surgery and neurosurgery. I like working in the ICU but working 12 hours shifts and night shifts are out of the question. Basically I’m going to be out of a job soon. I have been a loyal employee for over 5 years and I’m getting booted because they’re changing hours that I didn’t sign up for. I want to fucking scream.

There is absolutely no mercy for working mothers. If you stay home then you’re financially dependent on someone else. My mom is/was a stay at home mom and although she loved us she warned my sister and I against doing it. “Never be dependent on someone else,” she warned. “If you are ever alone make sure that you are able to provide for yourself and your child(ren). Besides no one respects stay at home moms. Plus bringing in your own income gives yoy a greater voice amd more power in the relationship.” While I certainly agree with all of her points, being a working mother sucks too. I see Sam for maybe 60-90 minutes in the morning and another 60-90 minutes at night. Most of the time is spent feeding him or putting him to sleep. I feel like all I am to him is a boob. Stay at home moms are probably just as stressed as working moms, but at least they get to be with their kids. I get to be with asshole doctors all day.

Everyone thinks doctors are these wonderful people. Doctors aren’t. Most are complete fucking assholes behind closed doors. The large majority think that it’s completely acceptable to treat everyone who isn’t a doctor like a piece of shit. If you’re not a doctor then you don’t deserve their respect. It makes me absolutely sick and furious and stressed. I had a fucking breakdown at work (the second this month) because a physician completely ripped me apart. And I have to deal with this for what? So I can lose my job in a month? I am beginning to hate my career field. I don’t have the time, energy, or money to go back to school for something else.

I really love being a mom most of the time. Truly I do. I spend my day counting down the hours until I see Sam. I spend my free time looking at pictures and videos of him. When I’m with him and he’s looking at me with his big blue eyes and crazy light brown wavy hair and he smiles at me (omg his smile!) it feels as if all of my other stressors aren’t quite so bad. I tried weaning myself off of the Zoloft. It’s a small dose anyway and I feel that I no longer need it for postpartum depression. I have noticed myself being sadder and madder more often. Never at Sam, but at everything else. I started crying at work. I miss Sam when I’m working, but it’s been particularly bad the past two days. And today was really rough with the asshole physician I had to deal with. Plus I got stuck in a torrential downpour when I left work. I called to refill my prescription for Zoloft. I have a six months left of refills. In another month or two I’ll try coming off of it again and see. In the meantime I’m going to stay on it while I apply elsewhere.

Artist

Last updated March 06, 2016