the hell do i start? in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

um..........wow. last night into this morning i was upset for. um. 4 hrs during one of which i had this long panic attack. thing. well it wasn’t a panic attack cause to me i’ve only experienced them as lasting only 5 mins. not saying they don’t last longer. but it felt like one. when i got on the bus i was teary and cried twice more. small cries not big ones. steph and i are getting along. except for tues. morning. she told me to turn off my light and i’m just like yeah w/e. like yeah w/e i don’t care. and then after that i caught myself and again reminded myself it’s not her fault you’re angry. my mom and i’ve been getting along untill last night. i don’t want to talk about last night yet. i’m at odds w/ amber. evan and i are actually getting on well. and whenever i’m about to be annoyed w/ him for something he didn’t do i stop myself. actually lately i’ve just wanted cuddles. like i don’t want to talk or anything i just want cuddles. which he gave yesterday. we only were together for like 30 mins. 2 wks. ago he wore red which he looks good in and this time he was in white and blue and he somehow looked. better. i think he’s staying w/ a friend.
everyone has limits we all know that. i’m someone who gets overwhelmed really easily. i was talking to even about this once recently and he toldme ‘take some of the pressure off’. well and that’s exactly what i did. i’d been making my bed more often than not i’d been um. brushing my teeth more often than not. i didn’t know untill recently that i still should’ve been supervised during that. cause well no one had been doing it that much. i think amber still thinks i should be but steph hasn’t been doing that, so. yeah that came up yesterday. so i just thought they were ok w/ me doing it by myself. but maybe they’re not. sorry i just went w/ what i thought everyone was ok w/. untill i’ve heard otherwise i’mgoing to think everyone is. so.
thing is. when i take some of the pressure off. it comes in the form of addiction. self destruction. relapses. and then that’s another issue. it’s not even their pressure really.it’s from my own personal things. which i blog about and then when i’m ready i talk about them. so what’s the problem? well actually there isn’t one. i don’t think i ever stated there was. actually. and me taking some of the pressure off. is probably going to result in my getting fuked. and then i’ll feel like it’s my own damn fault bc i’m. trying to do what’s best for me. if i know i’m someone who gets overwhelmed really easily then it doesn’t make sense to add in more stuff. [even though i do it anyway]. but if you want togo looking for one the problem as it were is that my way of working through things of communicating is to not. verbally communicate. stuff. my other way of working through things is by not doing the things i should. like ok. if i’m put out by someone i’m w/ most people i’m not going to tell them that. frankly i don’t have any interest in improving things w/ most people. if i did i’d talk to them about it. like w/ amber. or evan actually. one reason we fought so much is bc. it was my way of working through what had happened at my last house. i’m as nice as i am a bitch if that makes any sense. i can be the nicest person and then i can also turn around and be horrible. which isn’t the point of this entry i’m jus sayin. no to get back to my point it’s a way of communicating.
um. maybe there wasn’t more to this.
see. i see a lot of things as winning or losing. for instance. if i do everything i’m supposed to like get up on time [or before] and be nice to steph [well which so far i have been] then that means they win. that means they win the game and they’ve defeated me. and i’ve lost. i’m not a competitive person when it comes to like actual games like scrabble or monopoly or w/e. but idk. to me doing everything i’m supposed to means i’m losing. it means i’m caving. and i don’t like caving. to me that means i’m not that strong. it’s somewhat like i don’t have control and so um. .................um. fuk. oh i know. i’m being broken down. into part of a group not an individual. cause they group everyone in the same catagory. ya know it’s not like oh well we can trust Person A not to cut but not Person B [being me]. no it’s no since we can’t trust Person B not to that means we can’t trust Person A. [although actually they can’t trust me and they shouldn’t as much as they do in certain ways]. in a weird way it’s kindof like being objectified but not...........not really. i no that didn’t make much sense. but in some way that’s how it feels. like oh ok. so they put me in w/ all the other boxes metaphorically speaking. and all the boxes have to be treated the same way. no this box doesn’t get to have a pretty pink bow on it and no this other one doesn’t get to be all plaid and awesome. or w/e. oh i know what this is! conformity. well thanks for sending me back some 50something yrs. [cause i think conformity was a big thing in the ‘60’s]. they’re trying to break me down untill i’m just like everyone else. except i’m not. i’ve always been my own person and they don’t like that.
when i ‘win’ . well i play games w/ people. i’ve been known to. i’m manilupative. yeah not that good of a person. when i have everyone exactly where i want them and how i want them. i love it. that to me is winning. doing something destructive like that. sure there are other ways to do that but they don’t feel as good. there’s not much that gives me more satisfication than that. not everyone’s like that and that’s ok.
so yeah. communicating and games. and conformity.