um. godamnit. my best friend was an alcohlic. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

well which i knew before but i wasn’t ready to come to terms w/ it untill now. i’ve known for about 8 months.

yeah so Pat.my best friend who passed away almost 2.5 yrs. ago. he um was an alcohlic. apparently. well no not ‘apparently’ just. as put. he according to evan drank a gallon of vodka a day. there was one time evan was so worried about him he stepped in to help. evan still feels guilty. for not doing more. yeah i do too. but evan did more than i did. if i’d known..........well even if i had. knowing Pat he was the kindof person who didn’t let many help him. and i’m angry w/ him for that. but i also get it cause i’m the same way. i still think it’s my responsibility to save everyone or at least to try. and not let people get in trouble. like today on the bus a lady didn’t have her tickets and i was thinking ‘you can have mine’. i didn’t offer. and then i’m like no i won’t offer unless asked. sometimes. i’m too sweet for my own good.
there was a time. when all i did for 2 months straight nightly was drink. [actually it was almost 3 yrs. ago now]. every damn night. and that’s a lot for me it’s pretty big. maybe for other people it might not be. which is ok. and there was a time when. i didn’t drink for 4.5 months.
i remember. when i couldn’t even go a day. and so i didn’t. i never drank a gallon though.
Pat’s drinking. has made some impact on me. the past 2 wks. i’ve really needed a damn drink. oh so my other goal was to not drink for 2 wks. and it’s almost been that long. there’s nothing wrong w/ drinking in and of itself. it’s when it becomes a problem that’s. well the problem. and i have a history of drinking heavily. and maybe. i hope. this time i can go more than 2 wks. for him. [well and also drinking too much isn’t good for anyone].
i have so much compassion for alcoholics. cause i’ve been there. the reason i stopped drinking that much was well a: i moved and didn’t want anyone finding out and 2: money.
they say Pat passed from an anurism and yeah maybe when it actually happened he did. but the time leading up to it he was sick. i think he thought it was just a run of the mil being sick thing. but w/ how much he evidently drank. it might not’ve been. it could’ve been a combination.
so yeah. my best friend was an alcoholic. he was a lot of other things too an alcoholic being one of them. he possibly..........drank himself to..........wel..........to the end. or it contributed in some way i think.
i um wow.