Wednesday Morning in New Diary

Well I am up July is almost over. I will be glad to see a new month. This was a bad month all away around. Anne got socked with a huge Comcast bill. Then Rosie called that name. I had a sever attack of depression. This was not a good month at all. Only three more days till the first I hope August will be a better month.

Been going over my budget It does not look good. I will be getting my SSI check of $94 on the 31st I plan on spending $50 of that on household items and the rest will go toward cigarettes. Then I will be getting my social security on the 3rd. This will be $649. Out of this comes rent of $241.75 a Comcast bill of $140.00 and a computer payment of $128.25. This will leave me with $139.00 Out of this I set aside $10 for meds and $25 for laundry. The rest goes for food.

Finances causes a considerable amount of anxiety. I keep thinking there is not enough money to go around. We will not have food to eat. I think that an emergency can come up and I will be in a real b ind. But we always get through the month The bills always get paid and we always have something to eat. But this still worries me considerably.

Thought about giving up my computer. This will give me $128 extra, I could buy a bus pass with that money., I could use that money to get out of the building. I could start buy some much needed clothes or even get a hair cut. But I like the computer. I like having internet connection. It is my window to the world. I do not feel so isolated with a computer and internet connection.

I do not mind not having money to go anyplace. I do not mind isolating myself and staying n my apartment all the time. The world is a cruel place and full of crazy people. Staying home, avoiding mean nasty and dysfunctional people in the building works for me. it doesn’t work for Anne but it works for me. I just do not like being around people. It saves a lot of hurt.

Yes,I think I will keep the computer.

This is a new day. I am not going to be depressed. I have a choice. I remember from therapy that everything that happens results from choices we make. I can choose not to be depressed. I will do the self therapy the RSA to refute irrational thoughts. I will take my meds as prescribed. I will take care of myself and my apartment. I will remember the positives and all the good things that are in my life. It might not be easy but I do not have to surrender to depression. I choose to live. cause life is good. Life is always good.

Remember 1) I am above the dirt 2) I have a wonderful fiancé 3) I have a nice apartment and am not homeless 4) I am in good physical health 5) I have money for meds 6) I have food to eat and clothes to wear 7) I have a new hearing aid 8) I have phone, internet and cable 9 I have a wonderful support system with Healthways. 10 I have interesting books to read. Life is good. Life is very good. Always keep that in mind.

Also, remember positive traits in myself 1) I am kind. 2) I am very faithful. 3) I never hit a woman in my life 4) I do not drink or do drugs 5) I do not commit crimes have never been arrested or in jail 6) I take my meds as prescribed 7) I like to read and improve myself 8) I live within my means and pay my bills Today I found good traits about myself.

I am not perfect. But I am not a low life scum bag. I have my faults but I am a fairly decent human being. Life is good

11:22am I think my new med must be working. feel pretty good this morning. I don’t fee so tired or exhausted. Depression and anxiety are way down. Perhaps I am getting better with this med. Also, I am out of my apartment and might go for a little ride this afternoon. It will depend on how feel.

I got a credit card offer from Capitol one I applied online and was accepted. I will get a new credit card in 7 to 10 days. I don’t know what made me apply for this card. I am totally against credit card companies and think they are nothing more than legalized loan sharks. I will never use mine except f or extreme emergencies and I intend to pay everything off in full.

well got to go

Last updated July 29, 2015