Bad Day in New Diary

I am having a very bad day. I feel very depressed. What am I thinking? I am a very bad person. I am a complete failure. My entire life has been a waste I am going to end up down state if I can’t pull myself up from the depression. I will end up being stuck down there and will not have a ride home. Life sucks. Life sucks big time.

Lets try to think rationally. First of all I am not a bad person. I made more than my share of mistakes. I made some pretty poor choices in life. But this does not make me a bad person. What is a bad person? In my definition a bad person is somebody who hurts people. I do not hurt people. I do not lie. I do not cheat on my fiancé. I never hit a woman in my life. I never hurt anything in my life. All existing evidence does not support the fact that I am a b ad person.

Why do I think like this? Why can’t I shake this belief? I am not a bad person I am mentally ill but that doesn’t make one a bad person. what is the poibnt of all this anyway what is a the frigging point of keeping this journal

do not wish to harm myself. Repeat I am not suicidal. I do not wish to harm other people. I am not suicidal

Depression sucks. Depression sucks big time. so tired all the frigging time so tired of dealing with this. Wish this pain would end. Wish I could pull myself up. What is funny is that I have no reason to be depressed Life is pretty damned good. Remember :

1 I am on top of the dirt.
2 I have a nice apartment
3 I have a wonderful fiancé
4 I am in good physical health.
5 I have food to eat
6 I have money for meds
7 I have clothes to wear
8 I have phone, internet and cable
9 I have a wonderful support system with my fiancé and Healthways
10 I have good books to read

I got all of this going for me. Many people are completely alone. Many people do not have a place to live Many people struggle to find money for meds. Many people are not in good health. Many people are very worse off that I am. I have a lot of blessings and I can’t understand why I get so frigging depressed. I can’t understand it

I think it is a chemical imbalance in my brain. Thing meds are not working. Been on the same meds Luvox and Geodon for years now. Meds need adjusted or I need to be on completely different meds. I will see my therapist and doctor Tuesday. I am hoping that I will have some answers then Need to hold on and tough it out till Tuesday. I can do it.

God I haven’t felt this bad in a very long time Feel like shit. No energy No desire to leave my apartment. Feel very paranoid. Keep thinking people are talking about me ghod this is a terrible feeling terrible feeling

Last updated July 26, 2015