he already thinks i'm cute. and yet i keep trying. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

evan that is. the only time he hits on me is when he’s drunk. and he hasn’t been drunk in awhile. and that’s quite fun. the him hitting me on me part not the him being drunk part although........well it depends. um anyway. i’m not someone who gets hit on a lot. i don’t get catcalls or w/e. that kindof thing. even at the bar i didn’t. even when i dressed more. revealing. but not too revealing. i wore dresses a lot. i don’t anymore. i don’t get dressed up anymore i’m way too self conscious. which is funny cause people would say i don’t have a reason to be. and maybe i don’t but idinno. i want to keep my body covered. which there’s nothing wrong w/.
but idk. evan thinks i’m cute and he adores me and he holds me in the highest regard same as pat. he’s a lot more understanding and easygoing than i am about certain things. well maybe if i tried to be understanding..........that’s the thing is i don’t try. um. ........ and he loves me. though he’s not in love w/ me. no we love each other the way you do a good friend. and he is a good friend. he’s my closest friend. he has feelings for me. he hasn’t said it in those words but. yeah he does.
but i. i want him to see me as sexy not cute. but i suppose being cute is better than not being attractive at all. idinno. it’s like. cute’s the same as nice. like when someone goes ‘oh those mittens are nice’. i think. as opposed to ‘wow those are nice mittens’. i don’t feel like i’m physically attractive enough to/for him. i think that’s why i keep trying. no it is why i keep trying. and i think whenever we have feelings for someone like i do. we. try more. we’re not dating although we’ve been on a few dates but we’re more than friends. maybe. i’m not completely ok w/ where we’re at although i keep saying i am. well maybe i was up untill now. no it was this way prior to this entry i just wasn’t fully aware of it. untill now. well we often aren’t.