um..............well excuses or not. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

um. so. mourning’s hard. like evan once told me ‘you’ve been here before’. yeah. i have. so it’s not like it’s new or anything. once again someone left me someone who i didn’t even know. christopher. and when he left the memories of him left w/ him except they didn’t cause they never do. i idinno. when i first first found out my initial reaction was shock. steph told me and i’m like ‘oh. well um thank you for telling me’ and then i just went about things. my day. things went about my day and things. ya know and then after awhile i was relived. not for him but for me i think i wrote about this. it’s like oh thank god no one else has to be subjected to his verbal abuse ever again. cause he’s not here to subject them to it. and he never will be.
and here we are. i.........god. i didn’t even know him but it’s still. that hypevigilance that someone else will leave in some way. well and that’s bc people have. my ex, pat, uh............uh...............................evan. then jessica, alexis and now christopher. well yeah of course they’re going to leave if i think like that! which is my point. i’ve become bitter due to this. i’ve become bitter and angry and cold. and god that makes me sound old. or maybe not. maybe a lot of late 20somethings are bitter and angry and cold i don’t know. i’m still really fuking scared which is why i don’t make much of an effort to get toknow people. i don’t believe as of right now that it’s better to have loved and lost. no. if you’ve loved them and then lost them well. there’s of course that loss to deal w/. and that’s really hard esp. for me. i’m a cynic. i’m a pessimist. i’m wow this doesn’t put me in a good light. but it’s who i am good light or not. why would i want to get to know people. if they’ll leave. i mean i know why i’m not actually asking why here. i’m just making a point.
i grew up w/ abuse. wow.............it seems to be an apparent destiny or if not that a um. a common theme a pattern. and although what christpher said wasn’t directed towards me. it still obviously effects me. i still had to hear it. well but see that’s the thing is i didn’t ‘have’ to hear it. no see i made the choice to. to stay. cause i didn’t want people more involved in my life in my feelings. and i regret that. i knew i’d regret it either way. what might’ve been ya know.
the only person who even actually offered me a place to stay was evan. and ilove him for that. but it also makes me sad. even jessica didn’t. i know she had a lot going on but i think of that as an excuse. well excuse or not it’s [er was] her reality. why am i angry w/ her if she had a lot going on none of which was her fault. bc. she didn’t even try. she didn’t even offer me her temporary place. and again i’m not making it about her i’m making it about me. no. i don’t want to be understanding. evven if it was crowded. it really is the thought that counts. that was one of the few times where yeah i felt like she didn’t care. and yeah that might only have been a feeling but hey feelings have a lot of power. like a lot. esp. for me who’s always been emotionally driven.
she and i talked it over a bit at the time. and um. fuk i forgot.................um. damnit. idinno. it’s just weird not having christopher here. or anywhere really. i don’t want to say i miss him. i want to be angry about what happened. i know no one chose what happened to him. i know no one thought he’d be that way. yeah so to me putting it like that it’s like oh it’s ok. no it’s not. it was my fault for staying here. yeah put taking away the emotions. those are just facts. that people didn’t know. he’d be that way.
yeah well i didn’t choose certain things to happen to me either. i didn’t choose to be ra-............se.............hurt in that way. i didn’t choose to go to that elementary school. yeah but a lot of itis just pure terrible godamn [if you’ll excuse me here] bad luck. i’ve been hurt like that other places. regardless.
i guess that was my point really. was that mourning’s hard and choices and regrets. i’m too tired to go on about my other points.
i can think of jessica’s reasons as excuses all i want to. no one’s stopping me exactly. maybe in her own weird way she was trying to protect me. cause [and i don’t remember] she knew she’d be leaving and she didn’t want me to think i’d be able to depend on her much longer. i don’t know maybe not. but if she was she’s done a hell of a job. cause since she left i haven’t depended on her. in fact i’ve stopped. i don’t have a relationship w/ her anymore i haven’t in months. so maybe i’m better off not depending on her. in fact i probably am. [wow that. kindof hurts].