On the Other Hand in New Diary

I work up feeling pretty good today. I ended my last entry on a positive note I thought I was coming out of this latest bout of depression. I was wrong. Just as soon as I finished I started feeling sad again. It hit me again with a vengeance. I just can’t seem to pull myself up.

I have to get better. There are no hospitals or mental health facilities around my area. If I have to be hospitalized I will end up going down state. I am not afraid of going into a mental hospital. I am afraid of having to go down state to a place I’ve never been before. I do not drive or have a car. I have no one to take me down or bring me back home after I get better. I am terrified that I will be stranded down ther with no way to get back home

Fiancé was up here .We had a nice long chat. She suggested I call Healthways and talk to the nurse. I said I’ve been calling Healthways. Last time I talked with my case manager she put me on conciliation list with my therapist and doctor. I said that other than that there is nothing they will do except send me to the hospital. I think I need to be admitted but I refuse to a facility down state. Like I said I am afraid that I might not be able to find a way home.

I think my major problem is not irrational thinking but a chemical imbalance. I need to be on new meds or they need changed. I need to see the psychiatrist. I take my meds . They do not seem to be working. But I wont be able to see the doctor until another two months. In the meantime I have to tough it out and keep my head up above water. At this point I do not know how I will be able to that but I will do it and I will pull through this shit I will survive.

Remember the positives in my life 1) I am above the dirt.2) I have a wonderful fiancé who cares about me. 3) I am in good physical health for being 64. 4) I have a nice apartment so I am not homeless. 5) I have clothes to wear so I am not naked. 6)I have money for much needed meds. 7) I have a brand new hearing aid so I can hear. 8) I have phone, internet and cable. 9) I have good books to read.

I have it pretty damned good. There is no earthly reason for me to be depressed. But I get so very very depressed. This is why I think it is a chemical imbalance and I need my meds changed but I can’t get to see the damned doctor. That’s the rub.