Oh, man. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ok so I went to bed about midnight last night and woke up to Matt blowing up my phone so I of course am a complete bitch but he talked me into coming over about 5 this morning, and I did. We had sex of course and it was the same thing as before where doesn’t go down on me but wants me to do it to him, we bang and then he makes up some excuse that he had to go somewhere. He said before we had sex that he didn’t work today but when we got done, he had to leave. Yeah, shady. I just spent 20 minutes online reading all the warning signs about men not wanting a relationship and when they are just using you for sex and he met most of the criteria so I just now changed my phone number.

I’ve realized that I do like him enough to have wanted more than just a sexual relationship and because he doesn’t, I would have eventually gotten hurt. This is an already unhealthy situation that isn’t going to lead to anything healthy or positive for me so I think it’s in our best interest for me to completely cut off contact. He doesn’t know where I live and I doubt he’d call the place I was working to get in touch with me so I think I’m good knowing he won’t go out of his way to communicate with me. I don’t believe that anything he did was out of malice, but I believe he just didn’t give any kind of a fuck and was never going to.

One of the things that made me really unnerved was how he never really contacted me during the day, it was ALWAYS late at night and the article I was reading said that it’s basically because that’s ‘booty’ hours. I wouldn’t be surprised if he probably banged it down with other chicks before contacting me and that makes me really grossed out. It really makes me depressed that there’s so many guys like this and I just wanted to end this before I end up completely fucked over because right now I still have a little bit of hope of finding a decent person.

I called my job to tell them I had orientation and the owner was a complete fucking dick and I have no intention of going back. I tried to explain that I have to work 2 jobs because I live on my own and he was just worried about feeling “secondary” and how this puts him in a tight spot. I honestly understand that but I have to do what’s best for me and I can’t see myself working there. Because he was so rude and just an asshole, I don’t plan on going back. The one that hired me called and I told him what was going on and he said that he’d send me his number so I could text him and let him know when I’d be able to work and he never did so I’m guessing they’re just planning to replace me anyway.

Fuck, I just feel like I’ve made so many mistakes lately and don’t know what I’m going to do about things. I’m just going to hope that I’ll make enough at my new job I start tomorrow to at least cover my basic bills until they are able to give me more hours or I’m able to find a second job so I can have the income I need. I’m so stressed out everyday but I feel like I’ve lost my way. I honestly feel hopeless and wish I could have made different choices years ago and then I wouldn’t be where I’m at now.

I definitely have started to feel depression and I’m thankful that I’ve found another job so quickly and hope it won’t be too horrible. It’s nice that I’ll be able to wear flip-flops and leggings, I’m really looking forward to that.

There’s just so much going on in my head and I feel like I’m about to go fucking crazy. I’m so fucking stressed out that I’m struggling to get a good night’s sleep and I’m absolutely miserable because of it.

I’m waiting for my number to switch over so I can make sure everyone that I want to have my number has it. I fucking hate this because now I have to make sure all my bill companies and different places has my new number once again but I’ve taken my ads off CL and need to make sure to not post anymore unless people want to email for quite a while so I can avoid having certain people texting me.

I think it’s funny that Matt will go to call me later tonight when he’s loaded and he’ll reach the recording that the number has been changed, disconnected..blah blah blah and hopefully that will let him know exactly how I feel. I honestly believe that it’s best for the both of us because now he doesn’t have to worry about me wanting a commitment and me dealing with getting hurt because I know it would’ve happened.

I’m glad to just be at home, doing nothing. I just took a shower and plan to try and get to bed at a decent time tomorrow because I don’t know how long orientation will be tomorrow.

I honestly just have so much to say but just don’t feel like there’s any point in saying it right now so I’ll wait until I’ve processed my feelings because everything I say is going to come from a place of anger and sadness.

More later.