Part I in Musings

So here I tell you the truth.

Remember how I say that I only let you know what I want you to know?

Honestly, I earned my own money. And after Christopher and I broke up… He left me a chunk of money from his Apple stocks. Also, my own investments…also my own brains of being an investor at the salon I work in… Also, my own sweat, blood and tears thrown into a high APR account…

However, the reason I tell you all this…is because it’s anonymous. You will never spot me in the city and think “Oh that’s totally him!”

And the reason I said you only know what I want you to know… Is because I am in an abusive relationship.

I don’t know how to get out of it… It’s not that I don’t have it for myself… It’s not that I’m not smart enough to realize when he slams me against a wall and chokes me, that I deserve better…it’s that I think he will change… And there are glimpses of his love or obsession with me…and I just want to believe that he loves me enough to change.

The entries I’ve made here depict him as theost perfect husband… But what you don’t understand is that I’m a writer and I’m imaginative and I’m optimistic.

When we first met he dragged his ass drunk to me. He said “you are one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever known” I shrugged him off and he continued to woo me.

We went out on our date and I immediately saw that he was such a doof. However, now in retrospect I feel like that was his plan all along. He knew how to press every single button in my misery.

There was a time when he lived in my old apartment that he punched the wall and trashed me about–tons of bruises— and he was prescribed anti-psychotics.,.police came and I defended him.

I loved him and I don’t know why I still love him. Unconditionally. Even with a swollen lip and a knot on the back of my head… But again, I’m a creator of stories and the stories I make, I wish were real and he would be perfect, it’s my little world away from the fucked up bullshit.

He threatened me… He told me I never needed to work because he was the man… And when I said “we are both men, I’m going to work”… He spoke to me very sternly and told me “as long as you are home, when I get home… I don’t care”

And it seems super weird because I write myself to be super courageous and bubbly.... But it’s just words on paper.

Do you know that he dragged me to a bathroom at a club and choked me? No, because he made me fe