Travel Notes Part 1 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

14 Days of Trips, Vacations, What have you… And with that, the travels come to a close! Managed to drive a full 1,807.7 miles… definitely a bit tired!

What follows are notes I took while on the trip. After writing them all, going back and condensing them all, and numbering them all.... it became clear that just dumping all of it into one entry might be cruel.

So… HERE is the other portion of it if you have only read one!
PS- most of what follows is emotional stuff because that is what always seems most important to me. Yes, the wedding was nice. The rehearsal was at the Adler Planetarium. While in Wisconsin, I did a ZiplLine tour and went horseback riding. That is all the non-emotion stuff from the trip. Now onto the heavy stuff…

1) The hotel for the wedding had HIGHLY expensive wi-fi… so that wasn’t happening. The Cabins in Wisconsin had shitty, spotty and unreliable wi-fi. Even whilst at my parents (thank god they let me use their place as a pit stop 3 times) the area was having massive storms that interrupted service. It is safe to say that the lack of Wi Fi for that long drove me a bit mad.

I DO want to say that, when wifi was available, it has been wonderful to finally catch up with so many of you! Some time after this is posted, I will likely PM many of you. To thank you for your notes and just send you some words… it can be hard navigating the waters of this life, but none navigate alone.

2) My wife’s absolute inability to think about others still impresses and horrifies me. Her complete lack of empathy both chills and infuriates me. There were hundreds of times during the last 12 days where this immense character flaw presented itself in hurtful ways. The entire trip started with one: I mentioned I was apprehensive about how stressful all of the driving would be. Her response: “Why would you say driving is stressful, you just sit there!”

3) Tardiness is something that is very difficult for me and my family to tolerate. When a schedule is drafted, everyone is expected to realize that EVERYONE needs to take steps to honor that schedule as a matter of respect to everyone else. My wife is incapable of doing that. We arrived at the hotel in Chicago and all we had to do was put the luggage in the room, turn around, and meet the family for reservations… the reservations were a full hour after we were supposed to arrive so that, if the drive had a snag, we’d still have plenty of time. Wife could not be bothered to respect the concept of reservations. She made us fifteen minutes late… for no reason. The family was waiting… and while they were kind about it… Wife is never on time for anything. 100% of the time, she is no less than 10 minutes late. It just… really goes to the root of the whole “Thinking about more than just yourself” issue.

4) The marriage ceremony was interesting and somewhat heartbreaking. You see… I expected that, during the ceremony, I would again be inspired about Marriage and reaffirmed in my relationship. Not what happened. In fact, the ceremony made me feel hollow. The ceremony was about love and friendship and connection… and it encouraged me to ask what is it that I see in my wife. Beyond “she chose me”… is she smart? Compassionate? Friendly? I think to really wrestle with all of that, I’ll have to write a whole new entry to just… wrap my head around it.

What is worse (and why an entry will likely need to stem from this) is that I have to wonder… the therapy, the marriage work, all of that…is that me wanting Wife to live a happier life or just me trying to make her into what I want in a wife and partner?

5) Through most of Chicago, Wife was quick to call me fat and point out how out of shape I am. After all, I can’t dance as energetically or as long as I once did. And walking through Chicago caused me to stir up quite a sweat. BUT as we are walking from the Adler Planetarium to The Palmer House (2 Mile Walk)… Wife lags behind, slows up the entire group, and bitches the whole time how she’s tired and doesn’t want to keep walking. An infuriating double standard of “My husband is fat and out of shape because he isn’t dancing like I want him to… but a 2 mile walk to the hotel is exhausting.”

6) Seeing Wife around my family for that whole week in Okoboji and then again in Chicago… something horrible struck me. OF COURSE I chose this woman for my wife. She has billions of things in common with my parents, so I was comfortable around her. BUT as we got closer… all of the things she shares with my parents are their negative qualities. My mother’s neurosis, my father’s crushing negativity… it was disturbing to see.

7) Traveling with Wife this month… being just Wife and I for most of this year, in fact… has me feeling rather lonely. She isn’t really a friend anymore; nor is she a lover. She’s a roommate, a helper, and (on her schedule and interest) other things but… always on her whim. It just… makes me uncomfortable. I’d like my wife to be my best friend, my partner, my companion, my lover. I’d like my wife to see me as those things, as well. And with how I am feeling about all of it… that sense of disconnection, I am almost upset that I still want so badly to have sex with her… but I suppose that is natural. I am a sexual creature.

8) Wife’s negativity has been taking a huge toll on me. I think I’ve unconsciously realized that throughout the last several months; but being around her family and seeing how much of a unique trait it is to her really brings it home. The rest of her family are fairly Go Getter Big Picture Empathetic people. And when Wife starts ranting… her family listen, nod, and allow her to rant and be super negative… but they don’t insert themselves into anything. They don’t get bogged down by her negativity. They just… accept that she is this person and continue with their lives. I wish I could be that kind of husband… the kind that cares JUST enough to listen but not let it effect me or get under my skin. But I can’t be that guy. My wife’s moods and life matter to me and effect me. And, obviously, with her in such a negative place, I’m affected in a negative way. Even worse when you consider how focused and dedicated to communication and connectivity. For instance, cleaning up after the meal. I ask how I can help, I try to get involved, I try to make sure that the experience is shared so that no ONE person feels like they are doing everything… an act that involves thinking about others and wanting to serve people. Wife? Just… wanders into the cabin to play on her tablet. Really. No consideration for her family, no desire to help them. Her own family.

9) GROWL! Holy shit, Wife doesn’t consider anyone else’s feelings! Wife spends the first 2 days not interacting with her cousins and just leaving me to sit with them as she wanders doing whatever. Ultimately, she decides we should leave early since her parents are leaving on Wednesday. I give her a day to consider it, just to make sure she isn’t overreacting or making an overly-emotional decision. She decides that, yes, we should leave early. So, I rearrange my own schedule and contact some people to move things around to accommodate the schedule change. THEN, twelve hours later, Wife asks me to cancel my arrangements because she has decided that she does not want to leave early anymore! I felt like I should tell her no… plans were changed, I won’t just undo it because she’s changed her mind… but this is HER family. It isn’t my place to be obstinate and “put my foot down” since doing that would mean she’d spend less time with her family. SO… I re-make the phone calls, cancel everything and set things up for our original departure time of Thursday. Then… WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON, she turns to me and asks “Should we just leave tonight?” :o No. We’re not just going to keep changing plans like that! Just… more glimpse into Wife… how she thinks and how little (it seems) that she values my own life apart from her moods.

10) At least during the week, she thanked me for my patience and gave me a hug. Before another 4 hours of being demanding, callous, and unthinking. Though, later that night (Wed) she kissed me and told me “I love you”… two things she almost never does. After that she said that she appreciates me being a good husband and trying so hard in spite of her. I appreciate the compliment but… spins me. Because… frankly, no matter who my wife would be… I’d try to be a good husband. It is my honor, my privilege and my duty to be a good husband (or at least try to be). Because that is what a husband should be.