The first goodbye in 2015

I had a long sentimental goodbye with Courtney today. It was the first of many goodbyes I can look forward to in the next few weeks. A little over two weeks and I’ll be in Japan. It’s nearly impossible to grasp or to comprehend.
There’s much I want to write, but it’s so frightening. Everything seems so final. Maybe it was just seeing her today? Maybe it was cleaning my room and finding old relics. Maybe it was realizing that some of these relics don’t mean what they used to. The red Chinese coin purse. Did I get that as a gift? Did I buy it to give away? Was it for mom? Why do I have it? I don’t know. It meant something once. It doesn’t now. Now it’s another obstacle in the way of having a clean room. Yet there was once thought in it.
China was always temporary. It was just a place to spend some time as I waited for bigger and better things. It was just a job. Now, I feel that, for the first time since graduation, I’m on the verge of something huge, and it’s terrifying. It truly is.
I want to write more, but even this is difficult. It’s going on 2:30 in the morning, but sleep seems to be far removed from me no matter how tired I get. I don’t know what to do or think. I just want to have been in Japan for a month, then this will be somehow okay.