Selling the soul you swore upon in Random Thoughts

Here is the beginnings of an entry that I will get to later-

Counseling today and small revelations
Being home after Turkey and the start of a real summer break
Little (good) things

Nothing as intense as the title may suggest 😉

strong textEdit

Small revelations regarding communication and figuring out what/when to share.

Ask myself: what is the goal or what to I want/need?

Think: will what I am thinking of sharing/communicating going to accomplish that goal?

Example: while on holiday with Dios, I felt jealousy. Why did I feel that way? I wanted his attention when he was talking about other attractive ladies or being checked out by ladies.

I wondered, “is this a time in which I share or communicate how I am feeling?” I decided not to because it seemed like it would not be useful. If I had had the language, I would have asked myself, “does sharing this help accomplish my goal?”

I like thinking about communication this way, it gives me boundaries and it makes sense. Of course it takes a lot of self knowledge, knowing my anxiety/communication triggers, seeing the distorted thinking, figure out why and a way to move it on, address it, work on making change.

Ok, to more from my heart, not that logical (though functional) talk.

Ack. I need to change from my iPad to a computer. This screen typing is error-ridden.

strong textEdit. Pt 2

I smoked the most minute amt of pot this eve and have found that headspace i enjoy. There are many many time that i should not smoke, so i appreciate being here. Generally the times i have found pot most useful is when i decide i need to speak something that has been mulling about in my brain. At that point i feel i have actually acknowledged something, even if its been in my head a while.

In the past this would result in my making a big change, because i had been holding something in for a long time- perhaps my unhappiness in a relationship or situation.

For now, there is talking/feeling myself through what is happening with Dios and i. Its been a few months now, even if it does seem longer (while in Turkey i mentioned that i thought it 4, but its only been 3) and since we started planning the trip, i knew this would be the make or break of whether this would work out. There are many, many reasons why i like what is going on, there are a couple concerns, a few times that i have questioned how this would even work.... at least once after i had smoked a little pot. It was something like- oh my goodness, i hate that he watches television, how could i be with a person who watches television…silly it may seem, but i detest most tv. If i want to watch a movie or tv series, i do it the modern way.

I hesitate talking about love. I have never been that way before, i fall in love, i love, love fall in i. A big part of it is that i have hurt and been hurt and i am scared to admit or speak love. i fell for Kevin so hard and that relationship was difficult. To say the least. I definitely have strong feelings for Dios. How i feel matured over our trip. With him i was able to work through some anxiety, communication, distorted thinking. I really am working hard at breaking through some of the issues that have been barriers in my past relationships. I can do this because i share my issues and he supports the work i have been doing. I feel safe, i am working on trust and faith- i see where that has gotten stronger.

When looking at that last piece, i do see one of those reasons that i like what is going on. In addition, Dios is thoughtful. He bought so many gifts for different people in his life while we were traveling. He also picked out a necklace and cashmere scarf that he knew were perfect for me. This leads into another aspect of his personality i appreciate- he is observant. Dios is generous and works hard to “love”- in fact, i don’t know many people who actively talk about being better at love and positivity. He grew up in a very negative environment where successes were never celebrated and the worst was always seen. Finding the love and positivity has been a huge change in his life.

These are good things.

I might not have the time and energy to continue. I am exhausted and its only 10pm. I have a daily 6:30 wake up ritual that i need to attend to.

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Last updated July 10, 2015