Fire With Fire in Thoughts On...

Fire With Fire, a 2012 film starring Josh Duhamel, Bruce Willis, Rosario Dawson. But not starring Vincent D’Onofrio apparently.

*Willis & Dawson pull in at numbers 2 and 3 respectively while D’Onofrio, the villain is relegated to having to be looked up on IMDB. Actually it is probably better for him.

This is a shit movie. One would think that a movie titled Fire with Fire, centering on a fireman who is in Witness Protection and then seeks out revenge on his own, would have more than two fucking fires in the entire movie. And actually, the first fire barely counts because Duhamel’s character is shown coming out after “saving” a case of scotch which he is then gifted by the bar owner. He would not be allowed to keep that by the way. But he and his two friends decide to head off and drink the scotch with some fucking Funyons, only before Captain Scotch can purchase the Funyons, he witnesses MIB kill a kid & his dad, then gets shot in, what I thought was the back, but later we find out is apparently just the arm. He decides to testify against MIB and is put into Witness Protection.

We see Bruce Willis for three minutes being all pissy because MIB killed his partner and he hasn’t been able to catch him, but now he has Leo Duprey to do it for him, so all is good. Rosario Dawson is Leo’s US Marshal “handler” and when she isn’t teaching him how to shoot a gun, she is receiving his bullets. Greenlee would not be pleased. Then Dr. Botox shoots RD in the head and though she’s not dead, she had to be whisked away in the heat of the night because her bosses know she was porking the witness and that shit cannot happen.

For some stupid ass reason, Leo decides that he needs to take out MIB so that RD and he can live happily in Pine Valley. So he gets some shit from his storage unit (apparently some cash he just had stashed away in some random multi-unit government approved storage wars set) and make his way from Louisiana to Long Beach California. Once in Long Beach he makes his way to the “hood” and gets his white ass kicked before being allowed to by the pussiest of all guns from 50 Cent for $500. Not to worry though, he got the “Buy a gun, get the bullets free” promo. He then starts acting all bad ass and cutting into dead men’s faces and hammering some dudes fingers off before plugging him in the head. His fireman friend gets the ever loving shit beat out of him by MIB.

Leo calls RD who makes her way to Long Beach, with Dr. Botox on her trail. Then they hook up at the hotel room and she goes to wash the sex off and Leo locks her in the bathroom because she is the dumbest federal law enforcement agent ever. Not to worry though she breaks down the door and then Dr. Botox fucking headbutts her and takes her with him.

Leo sets off the fire alarm at MIB’s lawyer’s building and disables the call alert to the fire department and Toby gives up the goods on where MIB holds his hate meetings. Leo rigs up the building with gasoline. Only he doesn’t know that the love of his life RD is in the building and the mofo torches it because there needs to be FIRE in a movie titled Fire with Fire. Then he has to run in and rescue her, but MIB is still alive and there is this whole action sequence, and MIB ends up with a fucking axe to the chest, but he is still able to shoot a gun, but not to worry because RD makes it back and kills him. And then all is good as Bruce puts all the stuff from the investigation in a box and the picture of he and his partner in his pocket and that is how the movie ends.

Why didn’t MIB burn the friend? Wouldn’t that have made more sense? To get back at the fireman by torching his fireman friend? Did they just plug a title without thinking out it applied to the generic bad story?

There is more fire in the first two minutes of an episode of Chicago Fire than in this entire full length film. Week. So very week. It is also not prudent of a fireman to set a building ablaze in California. Not now, not in 2012. And, a big ass building like that and the fire department is nowhere close when Leo & RD come out? Really?