Getting shit figured out. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I had my interview at a department store today and have a 2nd interview tomorrow morning. Things went well and I’m sure I’ll get it. I had to go apply for Medicaid so I can get denied because that’s the only way I can continue getting my insulin. They talked me into applying for food stamps so I had to go to my old employer and leave something for them to fill out. I’m hoping it will be done Thursday so I can get it turned in right away and give them back all my shirts and what not. I really hope it gets done this week because the sooner I get that handed in, the sooner I’ll know if I can get approved or not.

The good news is if I get hired at this department store, there’s 2 other people that showed up for interviews that I know so I wouldn’t go into it not knowing anyone. I’m not incredibly nervous about this at all and I’m happy that I won’t make much money so I might have a better chance of getting help with food stamps because even with my old job making tips, there was several times where I wasn’t able to afford groceries after paying all my bills and I would get super depressed so hopefully this will be a good thing.

I am going to turn off my cable and just pay for internet because I love my cable but I just don’t watch it enough to justify spending $100 a month for it and I’m also going to call and see about getting a deferment on my student loans. I know that it’s not what I want to do but I need to get back on my feet. I have a car payment due on Friday and I get paid that day so I should be okay for this week and next week and then after I’ll have to use my credit card but hopefully I’ll get this job and be okay on that.

Last night was pretty dope. I hung out with a super cool guy that has a lifted Dodge pickup and we drove up to the lake and just talked. I know he was really attracted to me and said that my pictures didn’t do me justice. He kissed me a few times and was really easy and fun to talk to. We hung out until about 1am and then right after we parted, this other one texted and talked me into coming over. I’m way more attracted to this one but he’s just about a fwb situation and that’s just not going to fly with me. He tried really hard to get some but it didn’t happen. I’m just not about that life.

Now that I’ve broke away from my shit job where I never had the time or energy for a relationship, I would actually like to try for one. I’ve done a lot of thinking in the past few days and am so glad I’ve finally got out of that shit hole. It sucks that it ended like this but because of a manager not liking me, I always knew my days were definitely numbered. I’ve watched the managers run off numerous people, good people and then bitch that they don’t have enough staff. It’s a complete joke and I’m just ready to be in a new job where that place and all the bullshit I was put through will be nothing more than a distant memory.

I was up until about 5 this morning and then got up at 11. I took a brief nap and then got up and cleaned up my kitchen. I haven’t done dishes in a few days so I did them and took out the trash. It’s been really nice to have a break from work to actually process my thoughts and have time for my niece and other people. I plan to only work about 30 hours a week from now on and just cut back on stuff like cable and what not.

I’m super bummed that the 2nd guy I hung out with doesn’t want a relationship because I’m way more attracted to him and he made me laugh like no other. Unlike the other guy, he doesn’t have kids and I like that. Makes things so much easier. I’m bummed about it because he kept telling me how sexy and gorgeous I was and I think we would get along rather well but he’s just after that one thing. It’s really sad that sex has to create such a barrier and HAS to be the most important thing to a lot of people. I want a mental connection before anything else.

I had a scare earlier today. My 2 sterling silver rings that I wear every day were gone. I literally turn my apartment upside down trying to find them and starting to think that one of my old co-workers probably took off with them because where I put them he was standing there for awhile on the phone and had the chance to pocket them. I was super annoyed that I had to go to my interview and couldn’t keep looking for them. Well, while I was waiting to get interviewed I texted my brother and told him and he said that my niece had been playing with some rings. I was so relieved because I knew they were mine. I can’t believe she took them, what a little shit haha. Thank God they were safe. I went right over there after I got my errands ran and got them. I plan to put them away from now on if I take them off.

My Mom totally hates her hotel job and I completely understand why. She’s waiting to hear back from her old job where she gets to sit down and make a shit ton of money. I am anxiously waiting for her phone call letting me know she’s going back there. I don’t want her working at a hotel and I’m just going to be so glad when she gets to make real money at the place she loved. Ugh, I hate that things are where they are for me and my Mom.

It’s been really nice to get a break from work the past few days. I’ve really enjoyed being able to just watch tv, get to relax, see my niece and get my head together. I never want to work for almost 2 years with no vacation again because it’s really taken it’s toll on me. It really bothers me that I gave so much to such a bullshit place and put everything else in my life on the back burner and I feel like it was all for nothing. It didn’t prove jack shit other than I was okay with being a disposable robot and I think because I had asked for a raise and said I wasn’t going to work weekends anymore, they were pissed that I wasn’t in full robot mode anymore and that’s why they didn’t bother to keep me.

All I know is I’m ready to start a new chapter in my life. I’m excited about the possibility of being at a job where if I’m scheduled off at a certain time, that I actually get to leave at that time. I’m happy that I won’t have to worry about food if I get food stamps. I won’t make as much money but there’s so many things that won’t suffer anymore and I will actually get some assistance until I can get back on my feet and find something better. I never made a lot of money at that place but in the eyes of the government I made too much to get any kind of help but I was still struggling and went without food several times but was still expected to bust my ass.

As worried as I am about bills, I know that I will get a job and be alright. I’m going to be alright mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was so tired of my job pushing my limits EVERY FUCKING DAY! I was so tired of being talked down to, demoralized, and cursed out daily too. I was so fucking sick of worrying about avoiding that bitch that didn’t like me. I always knew that this would happen but now that it has, it’s the push I need to get the fuck out of such a dump. It wasn’t just her, there was a million and one reasons to want out.

I knew a couple of months ago I had lost my zest for the job. I don’t know if it was because the place made me physically sick everyday due to no AC or I had just been there for so long with no real break but I had taken a shower the other day and was getting ready for work and realized that someday I was going to get to the point where I wouldn’t even be able to bring myself to go anymore, bills or not. I was so tired of the same ole grind, dealing with people who didn’t do anything, never getting to leave on time, never being able to make plans, constantly feeling guilty because I was losing time with my loved ones, always having to give co-workers rides, being treated like shit and knowing that there’s no health benefits and your only as good as your willing to be taken advantage of. They don’t care if you never see your family and that really started to get to me.

There is another job that I’ve applied to that I’d like to be considered for. It’s helping people with disabilities but I didn’t hear from them today. They emailed yesterday wanting to set up a time for a phone interview so I let them know today and tomorrow anytime. I want the job but I worked there about 2 years ago and decided I hated it because my co-workers were extremely unfriendly and because I hadn’t worked in so long, I was just not in the right mindset for that kind of job. But, we’ll see.

goodnight