fuking terrible *ptsd* in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

I was thinking about this while I was washing my hair last night. the fact that whenever I’ve done it in front of jenn it’s triggered me. but not as much this time cause apparently I don’t have big emotions anymore cause of my depression. and also cause i’m getting used to it.
the last guy. who.........hurt. sexually. hurt. me. [although it didn’t actually hut]. I remember my hair being involved. I mean. when I was. when it happened I remember what I was wearing and how I had my hair. and I still wear that same thing just in multiple outfits. black sweater black cords. and it’s been. 2.5 yrs. since. I know something happened in the cab on the way to my place coming back from the bar. not even something bad just something. it was dec. 22nd. I know this cause the bar’s end of the world party was dec. 21st. he and I met at the bar. I don’t have the scarf I was wearing. it was a holiday one w/ dogson it. it was green. well it was certainly the end of my world. I was still in my clothes when he.......when it happened. I didn’t want the scarf but I didn’t want anyone else to have it either.
the 2nd guy. I wasn’t in anything. I don’t remember how my hair was. I remember um. the proximity and the size of him. of him like as a person not his.......um. that. I remember the lamp in my room. I remember.......it hurt. a lot.
the 1st guy. that’s when it all started. i was 17. we were outside. I was in clothes my hair was down. it hurt. my god it hurt. he liked my hair. well everyone did. so I cut 6 ins. off it that yr.
bc of that the connection to. what happened to me I don’t want anyone talking about my hair. or anything. like it’s nice but idinno. that’s the problem. I know not everyone will do that to me but I don’t quite believe that. just like I know not every guy I go out w/ will verbaly abuse me as my ex did. but I don’t quite believe that. it took me a long time. to get to the point where I believed not every guy will rape me.
it’s fukin terrible what happened. and it always will be. it’s sad what happens to people.
ya know. that’s why I started drinking in college. I never started drinking heavily until I was 24. I miss those days. I didn’t put it together until yrs. later. I um. drinking is a symptom of ptsd. and I never drink when i’m happy. although I recently read that according to msn.com or something drinking heavily isn’t a sign of alcoholism. but it is for me. my rape’s the reason I started drinking and the last time that’s how I was............hurt. through no fault of my own not that i believe that. like i know it but i don’t believe it. but that was just one night out of all the nights I got drunk at the bar. it was just pure gdamn terrible luck. i’ve been raped when i was sober, so. and funny thing is white russians don’t trigger me. and that’s what i was drinking that night. i stope drinking them cause i got tired of them.
I miss my life. I’ve taken a v. long 2 yr. vacation from it. in order to get it back. they haven’t said when and neither have I. when i’ll get it back. I think about it a lot like a lot. fuk I miss it. those were the days. yeah that’s the thing. we never fully appreciate ‘those days’ until ‘those days’ are gone. well I don’t. and I wish there was some way to. to appreciate them when we have them to fully* appreciate them i mean. well there might be I don’t know. if I stopped thinking about it maybe I wouldn’t miss it so much.
yeah. I miss having money. I miss being a hella lot more private. I miss. drinking and going to the bar. I could go for a drink right now which is funny cause i’m just about finished w/ one at 1:20 a.m. steph didn’t say I could but she didn’t say I couldn’t either. she didn’t make it clear whether or not it was ok for me to have one. or whether she was saving them for her. which is fine if she is just tell me. i’ll tell her this when i get back from my mom’s. she knew I wanted to. and so at midnight20 I got a bottle from the kitchen. there are 3 left 2 on the counter and 1 in the fridge.
ya know. it takes someone a varying amount of time to rape someone else. but the effects last forever. I don’t even feel like i’m in a better place w/ it yet and maybe i’m not maybe that’s cause i’m not. i’m not really looking for advice or anything [I know what to do about it, so]. i’m just idinno talking. or blogging rather.