um. quiet less anger ptsd. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

so, sometimes I get quiet. well i’m a quiet person. but I don’t mean like the normal quiet. I mean the something’s bothering me quiet. i’m that type. the type who when something just happened and I don’t want to talk about it i’ll get quiet. I’ve been that way for almost the last hr.
I’ve been. well. I’ve been feeling less angry. like the anger’s still there. and I’ve been nice which is weird. to steph to jenn to kris. my parents my sister clint. i’m a nice person it’s just. it’s been a long time since I’ve been like this. and I wonder if it has something to do w/ the fact that I’ve gotten quite enough vit. d. maybe. I think a lot of my anger was due to maybe my brain changing bc of my anorexia. some conditions are like that. idinno I’ve not researched it much. maybe I won’t end up like Karen carpenter a vow I made a long time ago.
they took my weight today. I don’t know what it is I didn’t ask. um. but the last time I weighed myself I was a number maybe 2 below an acceptable weight. that was sat. I hope it’s ok. since they’ve already weighed me there’s not so much pressure on me to gain weight. for that for them.
it’s weird that I haven’t like acted out. in any way. this isn’t like me. but I’ve been wanting to drink. I haven’t. I talked to steph about that. and said I wanted 1 of her hard lemonades. that wasn’t resolved. i didn’t like. actually ask for one. ya know i wasn’t like ‘hey is it ok if i have one?’. there are 3 left and she usually only has one, so. the other day there was one left in the downstairs fridge. i asked if she wanted it. and she did. so i didn’t have it. i’m not good at being direct in that way. she didn’t say I couldn’t have one but she didn’t say I could either. so I don’t know. but twice I’ve been letting her know in advance I want one. which I’ve never done before. I know it won’t equate to the times I didn’t do it no not yet. although. once I start buying my own liquor it won’t be a problem.
we’re getting on well which is also. weird. I go through phases of really liking her and then not liking her. she’s changed some of her ways. she’s now asking me what I think about something instead of how i feel about it. that’s something that bothered me. when she’d ask how I felt about it.
it’s really easy living day by day. like the song says. but the thing is. i’m not good at that. i’m always thinking about what happened yesterday or last wk. or what’s going to happen. i’m not. ya know here. er. I mean/t. i’m not good at being here now. i’m like janus in that way. you know the 2 faced god. for which January is named.
um. today was the first day in awhile where i’m just like no. I don’t want to do anything. but not quite to that level. it startedwhen I was brushing my teeth. I only brushed them once not twice. and i’m todoit twice. something I came up w/. my memory hasn’t been great. earlier amber asked me something and I heard what she said but I was somewhat out of it. i’m like i’m sorrywhat? i’m always hesitant to ask people torepeat themselves cause I hate doing it. so they’ll tell me something and i’ll be all ‘ok’ having missed part of what they said.
i’m having trouble thinking thoughts are coming slower. I don’t know how to explain it or maybe the way I have makes perfect sense. last night for the first time in awhile I actually wanted to come back to my house.
I wonder. when my emotions are going to come out. when I let them but I never let them. that’s actually why I stopped cutting. it made me too emotional. um. I........and when I drank i’d get emotional. I used to drink a lot. I’ve been wanting to. cut I mean. one of the reasons I drank was so I wouldn’t remember things. like the..........the rape. that kindof thing. that’s when it all started. I was thinking about that today.