Guilt in Everything Else

Getting older sucks. Not because of the age thing or the aches thing, but because you really still don’t know what you want to be and your window is closing!

I have been doing a lot of reflecting these past six months and I am finally figuring out that a lot of the things I wanted to do or be part of really are not making me happy. It is a good thing to find this out, but I can’t help but think of all the time and money wasted on pursuits that really are not “me”. Eh…live and learn right?

I ended June in a place where I really thought I knew I was heading in July. Six days in and I admitted that PROJECT W is not what I want to be doing. Maybe for lack of inspiration or maybe because I just don’t really want to do it. I am trying to be non-committal about projects because I HATE feeling tied to something. Even more, I HATE feeling guilty when I don’t work on whatever it is.

Another thing I hate…teaching my mother how to text. Giving her an iPhone was a complete waste. She uses it to talk, text & check golf scores. And she asks questions every five minutes! I am going insane. She gets bored during the day she emails me and if I don’t answer fast enough, she texts me to tell me she emailed me. Retirement was a bad idea. Leaving her job was a good idea, but being home and not taking up any sort of hobby, such a colossally bad idea. She just texted me about rain. Good to know that she will let me know if it gets worse. I just can’t anymore.

Love that my aunt just pops over unannounced last night with her cousin. I was just starting a movie and was already in my pajamas. Plus I had the boys finally settled and boom she shows up. I had a headache and that did not help anything because I also had to find pictures on “the facebook” for her of the wedding she didn’t go to but the cousin did. Why not just ask Cousin to see the photos? Also, I always knew that our core family (Mom, Dad, Sis & I) were the most normal and elite of the entire clan, both sides, but nothing drives home the point more than when relatives visit and are a) missing teeth b) mention fifteen people in one family who all have different fathers and c) don’t bathe. And people wonder why I don’t friend them on “the facebook”. She also calls Amazon, Amaze-On. Sigh.

I left early on Friday to get an oil change because I needed one badly, the shop was closed. Seriously, a Friday at 3:00 and they are closed? I know Saturday was a holiday but Friday wasn’t. And besides, what kind of lube shop closes before 3:00 the day before a weekend? There were not a lot of people left in town because of the fireworks ban (which I am in full support of being a permanent thing!) and the parade sucks so what the actual fuck? I don’t trust Walmart to change my oil. There is something that feels not quite right to me about getting an oil change, bedding and groceries all in the same store. I finally got in this morning. My only other option would have been to go downtown after work and wait three hours while Dr. Phil played on loop. I miss the old guy who ran the place before. This new owner is not personable at all and sort of blew me off when I told him they needed to add a special additive. Old Man Bruce is the one who took care of all of my cars and this guy is kind of a dick and his look reminds me of Adam Levine. So gross. But that is done and I have a full tank of gas, so I am good to just head home every day after work this week. Thank God! I can’t stand to go anywhere but from my car to the house and some days I don’t even feel like doing that.

Trying to decide if I can fit a few days off in next week. Thinking my little get away is needed NOW! Not sure though. I am waiting for my car registration to come in so I can see how much renewal will set me back this month. Praying it is under $300 this year. I hate paying plate renewals. I hate even more that they keep sticking me with a personalized plate fee. It’s not like they make a new plate every year and my plate is a general issue, it’s not a special plate that benefits an organization. In the years since I got my plates, the options have gone from one (the generic, everyone has this plate) to over 50. Over fifty fucking plates to choose from! From schools to volunteer firefighter plates to mental health awareness. It is fucking ridiculous and as a result we all get to pay inflated costs. Assholes.

Well my counterpart is gone again tomorrow. I really need to get my days off figured out. I need this getaway like I need a billion dollars. Also, I have to get it in before she decides to take it off!

Have not heard from supposed BFF for a while. A few emails the week before last because she was in “crisis” and then nothing. All she ever posts on facebook is pictures of her children. I am so fucking over kids on facebook. I am so over BFF and her kids in general. Being single is awesome, except when all your friends are not single and have children because that is all they talk about. And if they are not talking about their children or oversharing their body issues, they are talking about their children again! There needs to be an E-harmony to find friends who are single and don’t talk about children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh…time to get ready to go home. Can’t wait to see what frustrations lie ahead.

Also, I don’t think I will visit Chicago…ever. Too much gun violence!