Hey Der, Hi Der, Ho Der. in Friends With the Benedicts

I was just thinking I don’t really have a reason for still feeling depressed, yet I am. I was blaming it on the fact that I am/was/will always be an idiot who overfilled our car with oil and broke it, but now that it’s fixed and driving OK, yea I just dunno. I think I am tired of just nothingness. I have nothing to look forward to, ever. And I am starting to see that it’s probably going to be this way for the rest of my life. Please don’t get me wrong. I know that I have a wonderful loving wife (whom I just celebrated 15 years as an official couple with yesterday, woohoo! hehe) and we are still way in love and happy, but uh! I am over this. This, nothingness. This, that will never be. It’s very disheartening to know your limitations and be realistic all the time and to look forward and know that your life will be a certain way probably. I say probably because sure, I could make the decision to change. But I think that would only bring me more heartache. Because of what I just said. Ya know, knowing limitations. realistic, all that. LOL. There used to be major things I was pretty sure were probably gonna happen at some point in my life. College, (no, it can’t happen, I would not do that to myself because it would be way too frustrating and hard with an IQ of 80 something and not knowing when my next relapse is coming, no thank you.) children, (this is also not happening because of the frustration as well as the fact that my brain has changed in such a way as that I don’t have patience anymore. Also it would not be fair to Laura to be pretty much a single parent, and not fair to the child either.) and possibly a writing career in the future. That is the one and only thing I can still fathom happening. I think, at some point in the future, I will end up writing about all this crazy stuff that is my life. How me and Laura met, what we have been thru and survived, my MS, etc. I mean, I am not famous by any means but you can’t make this shit up. LOL. Hmm… Maybe I do have something to look forward to. Also, I am getting married as well, ya know. ;) Hope all you guys are good, had a good fourth, and see ya later…

Steph