never stop in 2015

11:36pm

Dude, mosquito bites itch sooo much! I can’t stand it! And it’s such a sweet release when you just give in and scratch the hell out of it. ugh.

I swear, the more I travel, the more I realize how spoiled I am in terms of weather, bugs, living life where I live. I always contemplate moving away and then I get somewhere else and think about all the things I miss. It’s humid here, and when it’s not humid it’s raining. There are these damn biting animals everywhere. We don’t have this stuff back home and I’ve gotten used to that. Too used to it, I imagine.

Not that it’s all bad. I love being here with my brother. I enjoy the down time. Honestly it’s nice to just have my own space for a while. Doing whatever I want, whenever I want. That’s something I can always get used to.

And life is good right now. I’m trying to constantly and consistently stay in this frame of mind even when it hurts.

We were supposed to hang out with one of my brother’s friends tonight and she didn’t show up at the last minute. She’d told him that plans had changed and she’d be a lot later than predicted, which he said would be fine. But then she just decided it was too late and she’d never make it.

It sucks because we’d gotten all ready for her to come over and hang for a while. We were looking forward to drinking, and venting, and hanging out. Even made stuffed bell peppers for dinner. Or prepped them at least. And he got in this crazy mood to clean, which almost never happens, so we vacuumed the whole place, swept, and cleaned bathrooms. All kinds of things to prep and get ready for her visit. Then she decided she couldn’t properly manage her time and wouldn’t be able to show up.

This is a tough situation. I know he’s bummed. Obviously. Who wouldn’t be bummed after all that preparation. And I’m trying to be there for him without pushing too hard. It’s a fine line to walk you know.

I remember what it felt like when that almost happened to me. That last possible night to hang out with CK and plans kept changing to later and later times until he decided it would just be too late. That was almost too much. Like maybe I cried a little just thinking about it. I mean, we did end up hanging out after all, but it was super late and it almost didn’t happen. Had I not pushed for it, it wouldn’t have.

So I know what that’s like. To want something, to get all ready for something, and then to have it dashed. I don’t really know what to do about it. But I should be a better friend for my brother. He seems to need that now.

I put on a tough image. I talk about how I’m better off alone. I enjoy my independence and make fun of people who are so involved. But it’s not like I don’t consider the idea. The thought of being with someone, a best friend, a partner, for everything. I think about what that’s like. Whether I want that now, or not, I still imagine what it would be like. I can still picture it in theory.

So I can also imagine what it’s like to be alone, and lonely, and have no way to fix it. I was just lucky enough to find a way out of that. To dig my way out of that hole and move on. To learn to be happy on my own and enjoy life as best I can. It’s too precious to waste.

But I still sit around and contemplate text messages I should send and things I want to say. When I’ve had just enough tequila to turn me into a bold and confident lady. hah.

That’s my cue. Time to get rid of this computer and get ready for bed. I don’t know what tomorrow will involve but I hope I can help my brother in some way. I know he wants me to accept him the way he is, and I know he just wants to be able to be emotional and vent sometimes, but I can’t help but want to help fix him. I want him to be happy. I want him to catch a break. I want to give up everything to make sure he [and my mother] are ok in life. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. From that moment in my aunt’s bedroom. It’s been my entire life’s mission and I’m just not doing very well at it. Can’t stop trying though. Never stop trying.

rose.
12:00am

Last updated July 03, 2015