Jealousy, again/partnership in Random Thoughts

Well, not again really. I have never been the type of person to be jealous in regards to a boyfriend.

But I find myself there with Dios. Strange as it seems, I see why. I date and fall in love with personalities and humor, integrity and a similar set of values.... intelligence. Never has looks been a part of my attraction to men. In fact, I kind of had this personal mantra that if I found a man really attractive, he was most likely not my type.

This time, though- Dios is incredibly hot. Fit, tattooed, chiseled jaw line....arm candy as he likes to be seen sometimes. He turns women’s heads. He also likes to be noticed and talks about the lovely ladies he sees around him. As a result, I think some of my insecurities lay here. I have always been perfectly ok with talking about attractive ladies with partners, or hearing them mention who they notice.

It’s just odd that I would inhabit this space. I don’t like the negative emotions surrounding jealousy. I guess it just means I feel I am not attractive enough? This does not make sense because-

It’s faith, as Dios told me that morning after I had a little emotional melt down in Greece. I need to have faith in myself. Faith in that he is here with me.

So, when we were in Cappadocia, Turkey and spent some time with this cute British woman who definitely found him hot, I had to truck through it, remind myself of the truths. Shut down Miss Interpretation in my head, have faith, be kind to myself and others, recognize the distorted thinking and name it.

And it worked. There was a little bit of the twinge, but I dealt with it as I came and, ultimately, I found that I liked Dios even more when I could see through the distortion in my brain.

One more week of travel. I am curious how this will pan out once we land in the states and end up together at my place. I did tell myself that this trip would be the crux- the corner- the decision point. Either we would work out or we would not. And I really was unsure whether we would end up getting along as traveling companions. I still need to work on talking with him about what I am thinking. I know he is waiting for me to open up, I just never know what it is I should share and what I keep to
Myself. He is so open with me. I have learned to trust him. I just know he will share whatever it is, I don’t have to interpret as I did with Kevin.

I lay here, 7 stories up the top of a high rise apt, with the breeze off the Aegean Sea cooling off the high 80 degree weather. Dios napping, me processing, wondering how this will turn out for the two of us. I wonder why he would choose me, but also need to recognize that he persued me from the beginning and for the second time since we met. It feels wonderful to have someone fight for you. He told me from the beginning, when I stated my ambivalence about committment, that he was not going to be easily swayed. I don’t think anyone has chosen me before, and actively made it happen.

Still, I question. And, I fight the questioning. Perhaps someday I will just accept and be at peace. I will defeat the dragon in my head, those busy bees that bring me down and keep me emotionally reserved, that keep my cards held close. One day I will break through and accept loving and being loved unconditionally. I will trust implicitly, have faith in myself and my partner, allow my vulnerabilities lead to a deeper committment to a partnership that I have yet to experience.

No more parallel play, a true partnership.

I feel better. Thank you, world.

Last updated June 30, 2015