i know but......... in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

this is from june 18th: ‘I. like I’ve put i’m having issues w/ steph. and it’s not like. she hasn’t treated me right or anything. no cause she has that’s not the issue. the issue is she’s too nice. she always wants to talk about feelings. and that bothers me.
Like ok so a few mins. ago. I was in the kitchen looking for where my dinner was. I asked Kristina where and then saw it and steph asked what i’d said and i’m like ‘I said i’d asked Kristina!’. [i’msorry but a: I hate repeating myself and 2: I don’t like steph]. and so then Jenn was like ‘she said she didn’t hear you!’. now jenn’s never expressed that she’s annoyed w/ me though sheprobably does get annoyed w/ me. and that’s another thing I liked about her. was that she didn’t. I like Jenn better than Steph honestly.
And so then. Steph comes into my room [well she knocked first so it’s not like she just barges in] and she decides to try and talk to me. no. I don’t want to talk about stuff. honestly I don’t have any interest in improving things between us. and she does. she might know that I don’t and yet she keeps trying. I really wish she’d stop wasting my time w/ that. she tells me how she’s feeling that it wasn’t fair. and she’s like ‘if you tell me your side I won’t do anything to you’. no you’ll just keep talking and trying to get me to open up. and keep trying for 5 damn mins. when it’s pretty clear I don’t want to. and so then she’s like ‘you know your not caring counts against you right?” and i’m ‘yeah. good to know’ ‘so you don’t care. wow that hurts’. well good. maybe that sounds awful. she’s so bubbly and happy and I..........[ok so i’ll put it differently so I hopefully won’t offend]. I can’t relate to that. what I can relate to are sad people. people who are low key and not bubb;y. and sometimes I like those people better. and so the reason I annoy her so much is so that i’ll relate to her. I don’t feel that bad when she’s put out esp. if it’s by something I’ve done. [and I also won’t let myself]. and if I relate to someone. then I fell less alone. less empty.
No I care. I just come off like I don’t. I just won’t let myself. i’ve come off as cold and distant I know that. but I also haven’t. at times. but if I cared about everyone as much as she does I feel like it would raise my anxiety [btw i’m not on meds not my thing. er not that I’ve tried. ok so there’s more to it than that which isn’t the point of this entry] and so it would be a lot of work. and I just don’t want to work. on anything. or at least not that much. so I don’t. I don’t get that emotionally invested in most people. it bothers me when people do. but there must be more to my not caring than just the anxiety avoidance thing........I feel like there is. and in fact I probably know what it is.
Also. i’m not living my life to please her. i’m sorry but this really isn’t about her she’s not the one in services. and in fact when she tells me [ok so this has only happened once] something I do/am going to do makes her happy well. then I won’t do it. cause i’ll feel like i’m doing it for her. [even if i’m not. hey feeling something has a lot of power. and a lot of. like. it’s v. present].
ya know. I care more about jenn then I do steph. honestly. jenn’s more low key. and like I said. but due to this i’ll also make more exceptions for her. like if she asks me to do something then i’ll do it whereas if steph asks me I won’t. the way I feel about steph is pretty much how I feel about my dad. except I don’t resent steph [which is probably a good thing].
part of it is steph’s personality. it always has been. even when she’s backed off and hasn’t been as involved in my daily activities. just her v. presence bothers me. i’m not allowed out of the house a whole lot. er well I am but fnot for long. and I have certain days i’ll do things. like ok so sun. is my going out day. and I realize I make it harder on myself due to that. but I mean. in a way that’s the point. i’m as I’ve recently discovered addicted to chaos. I grew up w/ it. my sister & I were talking about this the other day. I realize we’re not our past but I also know the present wouldn’t be here w/o the past.’