depression and tired. and. yesterday. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

this is from june 22nd:

‘yesterday wasn’t a bad day I just don’t like father’s day esp. all the reminders on fb. but it was also my friend’s [evan’s] bday, so. I don’t have a good relationship w. my dad. actually I don’t have a relationship w/ him. we don’t talk but we also don’t argue. and that works for me and i’m ok w/ it. he hasn’t been there and now I won’t let him be.

so anyway onto today. I, didn’t sleep well. well I don’t usually [and along w/ this I recently discovered I have chronic insomnia, so. I have what I call ‘broken sleep’] but I slept less well then I usually do if that makes sense. my sleep was more broken than usual. so ya know that didn’t help matters. nothing really out of the ordinary happened other than that. well and my depression. I’ve been severely depressed for like. at least a yr. I have chronic depression which means it won’t ever go away. no and I get that. depression makes things hard. hell it makes life hard. and i’d known that for awhile but I hadn’t fully experienced it until lately. until now. i’m slowly trying [well I guess I am there’s not a ‘try’ involved here. you either do or you don’t] to get more vit. d via milk. which is funny since I really don’t like milk. I have. over 4 months worth in me. which is you know. ok. I know there’s more to it than that. I somewhat forget what. or I just don’t want to detail.

yeah so today when clint was driving me back to my place I just started crying a bit. he didn’t ask much about it just if I was alrite. and I was. I just you know. apparently needed to cry. cause it’s so frustrating and so hard. to live w/ this. I didn’t choose to have depression. it choose me. yes certain things contribute but what it comes down to is I didn’t choose it. if it could be a color it’d be gray.

I picture it as. this big black thing w/ limbs and eyes. and we’r eboth standing and fighting. and i’m fighting it w/ vit d. which is er the sword. or w/e you want to use. so i’m still feeding it. but w/ good things. things that won’t behoove it but that will behoove me. i’m feeding it in order to make it lessen.

right now I feel lik i’m putting in 10 - 30%. and I want to put in 40 - 50. that seems. reasonable. and do-able. ‘