i don't want to change being chaotic in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

i’m like fire in a way. [well I am a leo. i’m also. really into astrology]. I can be warm and pretty but also destructive.

ya know. I was thinking about this when I was at my park yesterday. and yes I do get a certain er ‘high’ from being chaotic. making chaotic things. i’m a destructive person. but it’s different than SI/EDs [or gambling] cause it’s not. physical. it’s not. tangible. w/ SI you touch the things you use. you see the results of that action [I figure. the less I think about it the less I want to do it which is why that’s vague].
part of it’s how I grew up. and part of it’s the ‘high’ like I put. I like. the feeling of satisfaction I get from it. and yes I know there are other ways to do that but they don’t feel as good they don’t mean as much. which is why I don’t want to do them. it’s like if I’ve done something on my to do list. my feeling towards it is yeah it’s nice I did it but that’s it. one of my EDs. when I do it. I feel superior. it’s this hierarchy really [another leo thing since we’re imperial people. or maybe not.]. and I like that hierarchy.
steph wouldn’t. play games w/ people far as I know. she might’ve in her past I don’t know. or she might not have. and I have. it puts me above her. i’m not conceited exactly that’s not what I mean. good people sometimes do really terrible things. i’m a good person but i’m not that good.
I also feel. confident after I’ve made chaos. and I neverfeel that way other than that. when I do that. I feel sexy. and powerful. and I love it. I like the feeling but i’m not proud of what I do to get that feeling. [being angry also makes me feel powerful].
I like being the top person of the hierarchy. it’s nice to look down and see my work.

so no. I don’t want to change this. and I don’t have much interest in doing so either.

I must be. really depressed in order to deal w/ it this way. some awful things must’ve happened.