Sunday in Your Face

Not having such a great day today. Just feeling depressed.

My brother was feeling frustrated because he is in the extension, with mountains of shit piled around him and no room to move. It’s a fair complaint, it’s like a junkyard in that room. So, I went in and pulled the last of my stuff out. Or, I should say, just threw all my stuff away. My own room is packed, and I have packed boxes and boxes that will be shipped, but don’t have the money to send them all right now. So it was a matter of thinking, will I bother to ship this? No. Do I have anywhere to keep it? No. When was the last time I needed it? Can’t remember. Then chuck it. I threw all the food we had in tubs away, all the half empty bags of flour, sugar, stale biscuits and stuff. I mean, why keep it? The most intricate thing I am cooking is a toasted sandwich. I don’t know.

It was fucking sad, though. Throwing away all the things that make me think of M. Like, it hasn’t been painful enough, right?

It doesn’t help that my brother is a massive bogan and I just cringe anytime I hear him speak. “Like… fark man… I’m so sick of these carnts, ay…” Meanwhile, all he’s talking about is going to the pet store and having to wait on line. He’s got that indignant attitude that all bogans have, that the world has wronged them, and everyone had better watch out, ‘cause they’ll just cut sick on everyone one of these days…

My essays are coming along. I wish I had written more words, but I can’t be too hard on myself. I am not doing too well and am prone to biting back fits of tears. I will get them submitted in time, and that is all that matters.

So I’m pretty sure M is avoiding me. He hasn’t popped up online all night and all day. I can’t blame him. Despite my best efforts, I am still a needy little girl. It’s probably good for me, too. Try and get on with things at this end and stop sweating the small stuff.

Packed another box today. There’s just so much stuff to pack. I am going to send one box this week by sea mail, which takes 2-3 months, but is much cheaper. Then next week I will do another by air. I think I will only have one more box that must go by air, and the rest can go by sea. I thought I would only have 6 boxes, but there’s probably going to be more like 8. I also need to think about my suitcases. I was only going to take one big one and check in my large carry on bag. I think I am going to need two big ones, and take the small carry on and no hand bag. Not after the issues we had with M, and the crack down on hand luggage. Sheeeeeeeet.

Ok, here is an example of my bogan brother. He is in his room, alone, singing to his lamp shade: “hi, my name is, my name is, my name is….. lamp shady”

Later ...

M seems to have come back to life. We had our first normal conversation since he left. Maybe the cloud is lifting. While I complain about being depressed, I have gotten used to being on my own, and life keeps going on, no matter how I try to fight against it. The reason I am depressed is because I am too busy feeling sorry for myself, and not looking forward.

Ugh, and now I am sinking again. Just feeling flat and sad. I want to cry, like have a really good cry and get it all out, but it won’t happen. Instead I am floating from task to task every 5 minutes. I have knitted a huge lump of wool. Almost finished this essay, which I am dragging my heels over. I have packed boxes for shipping, watched a bunch of movies, smoked a dozen cigarettes. I just feel shitty. Bring on Monday, and another busy week at work. Just bring it on, I really need the distraction.