you don't own me/so yeah i'm angry about it *on SA* in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

ya know. as I’ve mentioned in here I don’t separate. which isn’t always er like ‘bad’. ya know there’s nothing wrong w/ that. it just sometimes makes it hard.

like ok. when I was r*p-‘that’ the last time I was wearing the scents of cherry, lavender and vanilla. and since then I don’t want anything to do w/ those scents. which is fine. ya know not everyone has to know why someone doesn’t like something. my signature scent used to be vanilla. ya know so it’s not just. vanilla as a scent any longer ever since. then. no it’s something happened and that’s why I don’t like that scent. or color. or food. or w/e.

part of it. well for me anyway. is how much something triggers us 1 - 10 and part of it again for me is how new it is. like the reason I don’t like changing into new clothes in the bathroom.

so. this whole me having to be compliant thing. for a lot of people sure it might bother them but it might not bother them as much as it does me. and I don’t even know if peoplewho have been r-‘that’ would be as bothered by it as I am. i’m not saying they wouldn’t either. i’m jus sayin. that. people are bothered by different things.
I don’t want to be compliant. [well but I never do, so]. when I was r. ‘that’ I was compliant esp. the 3rd time. [well I was also too drunk/high to move. my choice to get high but it clearly again wasn’t my choice to be..........’that’]. and this whole. me having to be complaint thing. reminds me of that. of that time.
and that’s what I mean by ‘I don’t seperate’.
and in some ways it’s still new. even though it happened. um................2.5 yrs. ago. well a little over. other than my 1 friend. I haven’t talked about it in detail w/ my others. but like. prior to 3 yrs. ago. I don’t think I would’ve even told people. I know back when I was 17 I didn’t. I didn’t fully understand what had happened just that something had. that yr. I was emotionally d*ad the entirety of it. [and by ‘yr’ I mean the school yr. well. what I know to be it which is from sept. - may]. and I don’t ever want to be like that again. and so far I haven’t been. I knew i’d end up regretting not telling but I didn’t know enough about what would happen once someone under 18 had, so.

so yeah i’m angry about it. and I project that. in different ways. I once took it out on my ex. i’m not I mean i’m not proud of that. but yeah. I have embarrassingly anger issues. that’s the other reason I won’t let people in. i’m afraid i’ll physically take it out on someone else. and I haven’t. bc of what I just explained. I know a lot of people have anger issues and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about but I still am.
I haven’t told my ‘emotions dr’ about. well ‘that’ [although she knows I have PTSD, so]. it’s. it’s complicated. it’s not just her telling oh like amber and then it stays between amber, the dr. and I. oh no. Jennifer yelling lady would know. my mo would [actually I think my mom already does but I don’t know to what extent]. and steph. so. i’m all or nothing person in that way. either everyone knows everything or no one does cause of again what I just explained. and then they’d [well steph presumably] talk to me about it some more. [like she already does]. and that’s not what I want. I want people to know but I don’t it brought up. you bring up my SI ok w/e. you bring up my ED [well again it depends on the person bringing it up] ok w/e. but the...........’that’? just. um no. the friend of mine who does know [evan] who I have detailed it to. doesn’t ever bring up ‘that’.

I think. i’d be more worried if I wasn’t angry about it.