My ex passed away in Since OD is shutting down....

So, it’s been not the greatest week. I found out on Monday that my ex John passed away on the 10th. It didn’t really hit me until I went over to his house and found it with all of his stuff packed and talked to his neighbor. They told me he had died on the 10th and wasn’t found until the 12th. His youngest daughter walked in and found him in his chair with 2 empty bottles of vodka next to him. They told me that about a week before he died, he was in the hospital for his pacemaker malfunctioning. I was a complete wreck and Tuesday and would have gave everything to not go to work but I knew I had to make money and attempt to get my mind off of it. I cried on and off the whole day.

I am now at the stage of doing okay with this. I know that it was his time to go. He wasn’t happy and was in a lot of pain mentally and emotionally. He drank to numb the hurt. He was a good man with a heart of gold, it was just that his head was filled with hurt and pain. I can’t believe I haven’t spoken to him in about 7 months and now I will never get the chance again, not in this life. I’m sorry that I wasn’t in contact but I know that it’s better this way because if we had, I’d probably be missing work and have dove into drugs.

I have to leave for work soon and I’m going to tell my boss that I’m gonna need to go back to Monday through Friday because now that I’ve lost someone, it makes me realize that I need to make more time for my family and friends. I can’t just work my life away and miss out on everyone anymore.

Everyone around me has been super supportive and it’s been what I needed. My good friend brought me flowers and a card to my work yesterday and just seeing her brightened my day. It feels good to know that people do care about me even though they aren’t around much. I know that we all work a lot and have so much going on so time is always a problem.

Things are going okay for me. I haven’t let any tears escape since Tuesday and I’m feeling like I’m going to be okay. Everyone tells me to just remember the good and that’s what I’m trying to do. I know that I would be taking this way harder had we been in contact so it’s probably for the best that I haven’t talked to him. I just hope he died knowing I did love him and he’s always going to be a part of my heart and not far from my memory.

I guess he was cremated and was put in a Vikings tin (he loved the Vikings) and planted in his oldest daughter’s yard with some bamboo. I asked if I could be there and bring flowers but never got a response. If not, I’m probably going to plant some flowers at his house before the end of the month. They have to have all of his stuff out before the 1st so I have until then.

This has completely rocked me and I have felt very needy and vulnerable the past few days. I have decided that I’m going to try and reach out to everyone I haven’t talked to in a while to make sure they know I did love and care about them just in case something were to happen. I plan to go to my other ex’s work tonight if I get off in time just to make sure he knows I did care about him.

My Mom is back from Iowa. The funeral for my uncle was very beautiful and I’m sad I didn’t know him better. I did meet him a couple of times and thought he was super funny. He was also in a lot of pain and I’m happy to know that he’s in a better place too.

Sometimes life just fucking sucks. I get that death is a part of life but it still hurts. I guess bad things happen to keep us humble.

Time to get ready to go to work. More later.