I thought I was better at this... in New Beginnings

…compartmentalizing, I mean. I can sit in my Dad’s hosipital room. That’s all anyone can do in his room. After about an hour or so, I can turn on my laptop and bingewatch Netflix to stave off ennui. I can even log into my corporate network to do some work, so I’m not so far behind when I return to the office. I can even take a break to go out for a burger without incident.

Then, my manager calls to check in on me. I try to tell about how his health has so sharply deteriorated since I arrived, but I can’t. I try to tell how just a couple of days ago, he was able to talk to us, but I can’t. I try to tell how just a one day ago, all he could do was ask for ice chips and pain meds, but I can’t. I try to tell how now he’s barely responsive at all, how he lays in bed with an exagerated breathing and his eyes open just enough to observe that they’re sort of rolled up into his head, but I can’t. I try to tell how we can’t move him to hospice because he wouldn’t survive the trip, which wouldn’t be a problem except we don’t want him to be affraid or in pain, but I can’t. I try to tell how yesterday the nurse informed us we have anywhere between a few to 48 hours left, but I can’t. I try to tell whenever there was a loud noise, like a door slamming, he would try to reach for us, and all we could do was hold his hand and tell him that he’s not alone, but I can’t. I communicated some of it, but I ultimately broke down into tears on the phone.

I just want this to be over. I’m tired of distracting myself in his room at which point his labored breathing sounds like snoring, only to look it him and see he’s actually gasping for air. I’m tired of worrying whether he’s in pain or not. I’m tired of worrying if he unconcious or a prisoner in his own body. I’m tired of only being able to hold his hand and tell him it’s okay for him to pass on. I’m tired of wanting to read to him some of his favorite verses about Heaven, but being unable to because I’ll start sobbing. Most of all, I’m tired of remembering all the people I know who were able to keep their composure in front of others when they were in the process of losing a loved one, yet I can’t do it myself. Why won’t this end? Everyone is ready be over with it.

“And Jesus said, ‘Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me.”

-John 14:1-3

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared, and the sea was also gone. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautfully dressed for her husband.

I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, ‘Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.’“

Rev 21:1-4

Last updated June 24, 2015