still at a 9 in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

so this is more me thinking outloud than anything. if you relate please let me know. long entry.
my depression’s still at a 9. it might take until aug. or sept. to get to a 6. I would love for it to be a 6. hell i’ll even take 7.
my god. it feels like i’m stuck in this. and I am trying. to fight this bitch. i’m tired all the time I don’t have much interest in things I only have motivation for self destructive activities. I still want to sleep a lot though not as much. er it doesn’t happen as often. I either feel not much of anything or when I do feel something I get it all at once. I don’t have like a normal range of emotions. and the past 2 days I’ve cried a bit. [which er isn’t like. exactly a bad plan or anything].
ya know when you have like. a cold or something and you feel sick for awhile and then you feel better? yeah except I don’t feel better. I mean I still have my lucid moments don’t get me wrong. but there aren’t many. [not that thinking about this helps. well no].
i’m trying. no I don’t take meds but here’s what I’ve been doing. drinking more milk which hs vit. d init. i’m good for 4 months at least [well actually the orig. reason I started doing this was for my anorexia] so I don’t fully understand why i’m not feeling better. [besides that well A: it’s a fukin process and 2: i’m not patient]. I should be at a 7 right now. but i’m not. I also get out 3, 4 days of the wk.
it’s more than just the vit. d. I know that. apparently protein also helps. [no actually it could]. and um apparently vitamin e. yeah but...........maybe it’s only the protein factor. ok so I do understand it but it’s still frustrating as hell.
like I know i’m getting somewhere. but I don’t feel that.i’m not experiencing it. which might be part of my depression actually. I feel so damn bad. all the time. I don’t focus on it all the time [which is probably a good thing] but yeah. I feel it.
but ya know. maybe I should also be adding in zinc [via food]. I remember back when I was taking it I felt amazing. I felt better while taking it than I had in 6 months. omygod.
omygod. I want to feel like me again I want to feel better. I’ve talked to my emotions dr. about it. sure not lately but clinical depresson is one of the topics that comes up. I feel like i’m putting in 10 - 30% and right now I want to get to. 40 - 50 that seems.reasonable. and do-able.
I also know that. certain things contribute to depression. and i’m an avoider. actually on that note recently w/ my dr. the one mentioned above I talked about Kar-her. the friend who’d offed herself. and a bit about how I felt. at some point after I’ve gotten the main stuff brought up i’m goin to re-visit some things.
ya know. it seems really damn hard to get the water solube vitamins daily [well for me it is] when. they don’t um. stay in your system. they don’t build up. if more vitamins were um. fat soluble i’d be ok w/ that.
yeah so here’s how I see depression: I picture it as. this big black thing w/ limbs and eyes. and we’r eboth standing and fighting. and i’m fighting it w/ vit d. which is er the sword. or w/e you want to use. so i’m still feeding it. but w/ good things. things that won’t behoove it but that will behoove me. i’m feeding it in order to make it lessen.
I didn’t choose depression. it chose me. yes certain things contribute to it but that’s what it comes down to. no why would I choose this it’s fukin awful. but i’m choosing. to things about it different things. cause i’m tired of living like this. it’s chronic but I just. want it to lessen. so i’ma keep trying.