I'm okay. Thinking with a clear mind. in Since OD is shutting down....

I was really trippin last night over Brian. It was driving me crazy that he was taking forever to respond to my text and when he did, just one excuse after another. I took my Tylenol PM and still couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake so I visited my friend for a little bit. I told her about it and she understood. He was texting me while I was there and my mind was going a mile a minute, just questioning everything and then it hit me. He’s still very much with her (after telling me he wasn’t) and then blew me off when I asked him to call me. Because he didn’t, that said it all.

We text a little bit this morning and he said that he wasn’t looking for anything but just wanted us to be friends that just had fun. I was like completely done and then I changed my phone number. I’m glad that I was right in walking away the first time and knowing that he’s in the same spot as he was months before, I just can’t go back down that road. That horrible dead end road. I honestly just hopes that he leaves me alone and doesn’t try to contact me or I’m going to become a really big bitch. I ain’t about being a side bitch and supposed to just go along with someone’s selfishness.

He works next door to my job but I haven’t seen him and hope he stays that way. I’m not going to make any effort to fuck with him again and I know that it’s best thing for me. I’m doing fine and will continue doing fine.

I know that with every bad experience with men, it’s making me more and more distrustful and hateful. I honestly believe at this point all men are full of shit. I need so much more than what I’m ever going to find and that drives me crazy. I want to be the only female in a dude’s life and I just can’t find someone that can give me that. I do worry what this means for my future but I do know that I’m never going to settle for being a side bitch. It’s just not for me. It’s not that I care about the dude’s kids or girl, I care about myself. I’m not gonna go into something knowing that I’m not the only person they are fucking with and supposed to be okay with it?!

It’s just crazy how many men are like this here. I honestly don’t see myself ever finding one that isn’t. It’s bothered me quite a bit today but I think getting a good night’s sleep and realizing that I’m gonna be okay has helped a lot. I have a lot of people around me that do love me, even if I don’t get to see or talk to them much and for now, that has to be enough.

I was really depressed earlier but realized that I have to back to work tomorrow and I’m not going to waste my day being down about someone or their actions. Life goes on and hopefully I’ll find a cool guy eventually.

On a good note, I’m down 13 pounds. It’s really paying off eating right and drinking a shit ton of water everyday. I’m glad that me eating right and watching portion sizes if finally starting to pay off. I don’t see the difference or feel it but I believe my scale and things are finally starting to show me that I’m on the right track.

I had to call my health insurance company and have them stop payment on my shit. I guess I’ll have to mail them a check but I had to buy groceries and I’ll need gas before work tomorrow. I’m hoping I’ll make enough money this week to pay my health insurance, car payment, and buy some groceries. I only spent about about $35 today on food so it’s not going to last long. I’m scared that I’m not going to make enough for my health insurance but if I don’t, I’ll have to use my credit card. Just the thought of that makes me so mad because I just want to get that paid down and it’s just never going to happen because I don’t make enough money. FUCK!!!

Oh and I creeped Brian’s Facebook and he posted a selfie with his girlfriend…um yeah I blocked him. I told him yesterday I found him on there so I’m wondering if it was intentional but honestly, I hope they work out and he stops trying to be with chicks behind her back because no matter what kind of relationship they have, he’s not being fair to her. It’s just sad but it’s a reminder why I’m better off single. I don’t want to have to worry about someone doing that to me. The thought of someone cheating on me or even trying to makes me sick.

I am glad that I got time with my Dad and little brother yesterday. I really do care about them. It just sucks that financially, they are really fucked. I wish they could get it together. Every time I drive my Mom’s car, I think about the fact that she’s not going to have it much longer. I just don’t know why they have to be this way. They’ve had so many cars taken away and lost so much and it doesn’t make them change. It’s just super frustrating.

What’s crazy is I keep going from being okay to wanting to be self destructive. Maybe I should just lay down and take a nap. I just can’t stop thinking about money, Brian, my parents, wondering if I’ll ever lose enough weight to be happy with myself. I just feel really frustrated and annoyed with shit.

It’s clear that I’m never going to find someone until I lose this weight though. I have come to realize that if I ever want to find someone that’s worth a fuck, I’m going to have to give them what they want but chances are once I get thinner and comfortable in my skin, I’m going to run around telling all these motherfuckers that wouldn’t give me a chance when I was big to suck my dick. I’m sorry that I’m not the hottest, most beautiful girl but that shouldn’t mean that I can’t find a nice guy. It doesn’t determine how I am or who I am.

I feel really alone right now. Everyone that I want to hang out with or talk to is at work or lives too far away.