I can't win, so why the hell am I still trying? in Faerie
- Aug. 10, 2013, 11:11 p.m.
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- Public
I'm 31. For 31 years I've tried to make my parents proud of me. I've seen it happen...they seem happy with my siblings. Not me. Never ever me.
My mom wanted me to go back to college because she doesn't think I'm making enough, and so...pressure should surely earn me more money (?) Or something... but I had been thinking about going back and getting a social work BA. I thought about it...kicked it around, came up with LOTS of reasons why I shouldn't....and then talked with my boss, who had so many reasons why I should. I felt supported, listened to and decided to jump.
I was sure that my mom would be happy to hear it, so I called her today and she was pretty lukewarm. Didn't seem to like my choice in school (Online Brandman University) and just wasn't all that supportive....or at least it didn't feel supportive. She took all these long pauses at everything she said...and it just....why do I bother?
Even when I told her we were thinking of coming down for Christmas she was more concerned with the dogs and again with the lukewarm. :(
Anyway so...screw my mom, I'm going to school for me. I'm crossing my fingers so hard that I can pass the entrance exam and make it in. If I can't, then I'll do some classes online through my local community college until I get myself up to the level that's the "starting point" at Brandman. Or I wont, and I'll stay with the local community college. But I'm taking a class. The Universe has shown me I need to, and even though I don't want to...I'm not one to fight the Universe for long when it's clear I should do something. It's going to take me forever...one or two classes at a time, but forever isn't going to get shorter the longer I wait....that just doesn't make any sense! So, I'll start. If I get into Brandman, they start Sept 3rd. If I don't, and I need to go local, they start at the end of Sept.
Here we go!
January Child ⋅ August 10, 2013
the older I got the more I lowered my expectations. I gave up being upset that my parents weren't a certain way and just accepted they were they way they were and would never be able to give me what I needed... and we were all much happier after that... It's hard when you see them being different with your siblings. You have to put yourself first though. Protect yourself. And good for you for going back to school :)
Deleted user ⋅ August 10, 2013
You have to do what is right for YOU! Believe me.. I learned that lesson the very very hard way with my now extremely estranged family... it's just ... it sucks is what it is....
Best of luck!
Satellite Six ⋅ August 11, 2013
I realized a long time ago that it wasn't me, it was them, and no matter how much I tried it would never be good enough in their eyes. Knowing that doesn't change the fact that there are times that I still wish I could change them and make them proud of me. Good for you for going back to school. Good for you for being proud of yourself!
Princess Buttercup ⋅ August 11, 2013
I know how you feel with your mom. So frustrating. But yes, do it for you. :)